You’re walking toward Campbell Hall, headphones in, head down, looking like the most unapproachable person in the world. Oh great, you think, here we go, the some guy’s going to stop you and ask if you’ve registered to vote, rush, and convert. But he doesn’t. No, he stops the person walking behind you and skipped you entirely. What the heck! You’re a person too, why shouldn’t you be barraged by solicitors on the Arbor? Well, maybe you’ve fallen into one of these eight traps:
8.) You’re suspiciously charismatic:
Being super friendly can be jarring. Throw around plenty of jazz hands, have an unsettling smile — you carry yourself like a coked-out Liza Minelli and, trust us, no one‘s to walk up to you until you chill out.
7.) You’re horrendously unbathed:
No one wants to smell you before they see you—it’s never the look. However, if you want to make it to your section at Phelps in time, you just might have to skip a shower or 12 to make it happen. You’ll definitely project the odor of the 30-rack of Busch Light you’ve been sweating out since Saturday night, but it’s a small price to pay for punctuality.
6.) You’re hideous to behold:
Keep that fedora on your head and grow out that neckbeard — you’re ugly. Being ugly doesn’t exactly have a ton of special privileges, but if you perfect that belligerent Men’s Rights Activist look, you’ll be ready to hit the road unencumbered by human interaction.
5.) You’re visibly cruel to customer service:
You furrow your brow and hiss at strangers, you’re visibly impatient at Freebirds. You buy a slice of pizza and return it. No one who would do that to his pizza chef should ever have to be worried about being bothered with special offers such as eternal salvation or even friendship.
4.) You’re Usain Bolt:
Strap on your 50-year-old dad’s New Balances and sprint every 100 meters faster than the last. People won’t ask you to sign their petition if you sprint to every class every day. That being said, you’re also the sweaty guy who runs to class, but yano, everyone’s got their ticks.
3) You’re covered in the blood of your enemies:
You just returned from your medieval battle or colonial duel and now you’re late to your Dinosaurs lecture. Sure, you might think it necessary to shower after slaying your foes, but that blood prevents both solicitors and other human beings to talk to you. Worth it? Probably.
2.) You’re dead:
You died in your sleep and now your spirit is roaming the Earth. Being dead is never fun—but at least you can finally walk through the Arbor in peace. Take advantage of this opportunity to haunt any professors you encounter along the way, or stop at Woodstock’s and see if ghosts can get in on the $4.20 deal.
1.) You’re invisible:
You’ve unlocked the ultimate power: invisibility. Sure no one acknowledges you, which is a cripplingly lonely feeling, but now you can get to that inexplicably long Subway line in the Arbor ASAP! And if you really hate yourself and your taste buds, try some hot broccoli-cheddar soup. Yum. *shudder*
Being ugly or dead is definitely a double-edged sword. On one hand, the solicitors leave you alone on the Arbor, which is nice. But on the other hand, you’re dead.
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