UCPD has reported the theft of a student’s unassigned assigned seat in lecture in room 2235 in the Humanities and Social Science Building (HSSB) at 11:17 a.m. on Monday. “I walked in five minutes before English 18 and found that the seat that I always sit in was taken!” reported 19-year-old sophomore Brian McMahon. Startled and shaken, it was all the victim could do simply to grab the next available seat and emotionally come to terms with the incident.
Lead detective Steve Donovan reports that while McMahon did not see exactly who the culprit was, his description has provided the UCPD with a list of potential suspects for whom the IV Foot Patrol will be on the lookout:
He’s been here every day, diligently taking notes and even paying attention. However, without his own spot in the class, he floats from seat to seat as a nomad of the waitlist. His statement to the detectives reads as follows:
“Please just let me into the class! I need it for my major and it’s only offered during fall quarter. I’m doing the best I can.”
Reports indicate that his testimony raised more questions than answers, and he is currently being held beneath the Thunderdome for several rounds of “enhanced interrogation” administered by the chancellor himself.
The Note-Taking Pledge:
Identifying himself only by his pledge name Scrotum Tickler, detectives asked why he is attending a class that records show he is not enrolled in. He replied: “I swear I didn’t do it – I think. Please don’t tell my big. I really want to be in Sig Nu so I can go to their dope ass parties. I promise I’ll never drink any more alcohol or bodily fluids until I turn twenty-one.”
He was immediately handcuffed, tasered, and brought in for questioning after showing the arresting officers a California driver’s license and UCSB Access Card with his picture and and pledge name as printed. Detective Donovan explained that this is standard operating procedure when a routine ID scan pulls up multiple outstanding warrants for similar crimes reported across campus.
The Syllabus, Midterm, and Finals Guy:
The third suspect was apprehended walking out of his midterm on his way to another class. He reportedly told police on the scene, “What class are you talking about? Oh right. It can’t be me. I only show up three days per quarter, when there’s actually something going on.”
He then claimed to have rock solid proof of his absence by showing officers pictures of him “totally passed out” on the day in question, in which his housemates were seen tracing their genitalia and scrawling racial slurs in Sharpie across his face and chest.
He continued, “I mean, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start first thing in the morning. And that obviously leaves no time for going to lecture or doing homework. Wait, where am I again?”
The lead TA provided very little in the way of useful information regarding the incident, leading to her detainment as a person of interest in the case. When pressed for comment, she said: “I honestly don’t care. Back when I went to school, I had to sit on the floor. I have other places to be right now, and if you keep pestering me with questions, I’m going to lower your final grade by a letter. I don’t care if you’re not in my class!”
The search for the perp is ongoing. At press time, Chancellor Yang had returned from questioning his first suspect and had to be physically restrained from conducting the next interrogation, “right here, right now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but you’re going to cough up some answers no matter how long this takes!”
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