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My Tinder Date With Chancellor Yang

Imagine my surprise when I, drunkenly swiping left on frat boys and surfer dudes, finally stumbled across the most perfect specimen I’ve ever seen. His kind brown eyes shone through a pair of thin-framed glasses, and his first picture was one of him from the quarterly undie run. I’d heard the whispers that things had ended amicably between him and Mrs. Yang, but never imagined that I’d actually find his Tinder profile. I held my breath and dragged my finger across the screen: Chancellor Yang. 

“It’s a Match!” The words lit up my screen and my heart as our two pictures collided. My breath caught in my throat as I hesitated over an opening line. No. Let it be. The man should message first. Besides, it’s probably just a fluke that we matched. Everyone knows guys only swipe right until they run out of swipes.

I continued my painfully normal life in which my single girlfriends who aren’t as pretty as I am give me tons of unsolicited dating advice and ask me why I’m still single. I tell them that it’s because I’m still getting over Josh and have yet to find my prince charming.

Then I checked my phone in line at Starbucks and finally, a shining light has come into my life: Yang messaged me! We talked for a couple days, but then Friday rolled around and he asked me to dinner. I asked for more details he told me to be patient because “It’s a surprise.”

He rolled around my sorority house in his Porsche. All my sisters lined the windows watching as he held my hand to guide me from the door of my house to the passenger side of his car. I told him I’m a women’s studies major and that they taught me how to open my own doors in that class.

“You don’t need that knowledge with me,” he said to me in his sultry baritone. My face flushed and I tried to hide it as I slid into the car.

We rode in a strong and sexy silence until we reached The Black Sheep (restaurant). Over dinner, he asked me thoroughly about my relationship with my father and seemed to actually care about what I had to say unlike any of the guys I would talk to at the Zeta toga parties.

At the end of the dinner, he ACTUALLY. PICKED. UP. THE. TAB. I was so impressed! I guess he has enough money with all our tuitions so I guess thanks, guys! Dinner was great!

After we drove back in silence while I tried to hold in a fart–it’s too early in our relationship to know that I have bodily functions–he held my hand like a princess’ and walked me to the door where he asked for my number for the very first time!

I just can’t wait to tell our kids this story.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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