Let’s just get to the point. We Gauchos are an extremely dumb bunch. And we make A LOT of mistakes. Let it be said, however that some of these mistakes are just too fucking common not to be noted. These are just a few of a plethora of “Oh fuck” moments that plague gauchos on a daily basis.
5.) “Oh fuck! I passed out in the lib and forgot which floor my laptop was on!”
Here we have an all-too-common example of a UCSB alcoholic’s best nightmare. Ah yes, the air smelled of sweet Juul pod. It was the middle of midterm season, and you thought a little liquid courage could give you that little umph you needed to get through. However, that Hydro Flask you swore had just two measly shots of Vitali unfortunately slipped your already sleep-deprived brain into unconsciousness in a cubicle on 4th floor. After an admittedly hazy few hours, you found yourself on the 8th floor drooling on the 3D map of campus. You still don’t know where your laptop or your pants went. Classic.
4.) “Oh fuck! I’m at Sands and have a 4 hour lab in 10 minutes.”
You’ve been out on the water since the crack of dawn, and you lost your special watch in an unrelated burnt moment of days past. Sands was firin’, and you couldn’t even bother with anything else… until you remembered your chem lab was at noon. You asked around to a few people for the time, but the only thing they tell you is that it’s fuckin’ nice out. You get barreled an innumerable amount of times, but when you’re back on land, you realize it’s 11:50 and you’re still in that yeasty, old wetsuit you found in your garage. Classic.
3.) “Oh fuck! These dickheads won’t leave my room and I HAVE 5 MIDTERMS TOMORROW!”
In the dorms, you were the plug. You had the bong, the medcard, and the big screen TV dockin’ that kept your floor a-knockin’. While the weed kept people coming from afar to hang out in your room (yay for new friends), some have gotten a little too close and their presence was quite LOUD. It’s come to a point that you have to blatantly lie to your compadres to get them stop playing Skate 3. However, everyone is so stoned they can’t even leave. And you’re too stoned to do anything about it. Suddenly, you hear the words “RA on duty.” Everyone frantically runs into the bathroom, but it’s too late. Classic.
2.) “Oh fuck! I forgot my naan in the toaster oven.”
We all know that feeling. Moments like these are what keep fast food restaurants and the Santa Barbara Fire Department busy as can be in Isla Vista. At this point you might as well set fire to all the food in your fridge, because no matter how hard you try to cook for yourself, it’ll never be as greasy, let alone as edible, as anything from IV Deli. I can smell the charred naan from here. Classic
1.) “Oh fuck! I skipped so much class when I pretended to be sick that now I have to go when I am.”
UCSB students are repeat offenders in this category, as everyone finds out by week six or seven. One of the most important skills in college is time management, which in this case allows you to budget your truancy equally across all 10 weeks. A lack of foresight in this area could cost you dearly, with up to two, maybe even three consecutive weeks of having to go to all your classes. What a nightmare. Classic.
If you find yourself in any of the above positions, fear not, for there are resources to help you. See an academic advisor to help you plan where to pass out, when to skip class, and when to burn your naan to crisp so you can get those dickheads out of your study space. For all other problems, there’s nothing a little weed and a lot of pizza can’t help.
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