The average IV pedestrian can cover two or three drunken miles per day on a busy weekend. There’s a dayger on 66 block, then Pint Night at Woodstock’s, followed by so-and-so’s birthday party in their fuckin’ Pescadero apartment that steams up like a goddamn sauna once more than 12 people squeeze up the narrow staircase. Despite the “slow and steady wins the race” approach any experienced drinker takes to a marathon challenge such as this, everyone has that companion that just can’t keep up. Whether it’s two drinks or eight, these weak-livered souls fall by the wayside. In order to ensure the safety and comfort of your sedated sidekick, keep an eye out for these five handy spots to dump their ass.
5.) Chancellor Yang’s Office: 5 Stars
Pros: You both get smoked the fuck out. You know Daddy Yang is packing bowls on the daily. Extreme comfort. Like massage chairs and a flatscreen comfort. That’s right. This man doesn’t fuck around. More recent perks include complete safety from nature and the elements, as recent natural events pose no threat to UCSB’s physical campus, the location of The Fortress of Yangitude.
Cons: None as long as you can get in. Everyone wants to kick it with H-Money Yang so be on your best behavior.
4.) Outdoor Table at Freeb’s: 4 Stars
Pros: High traffic area for the drunk and disorderly. Your friend will blend right in. The bench and table allow for easy power naps while the line gets shorter. Plus the crowds of nacho fiends crammed onto the patio provide ample body warmth at night.
Cons: May cost you like ten bucks for a plate of nachos to make them stay put.
3.) On Top of The Climbing Wall at Trigo Park: 3 Stars
Pros: Out of sight of law enforcement and out of reach of theft, your boozy buddy will be left alone atop their artificial perch. You’ll know exactly where to come get them later because there’s no way in hell they can climb down on their own. If vomiting becomes necessary, there’s a good change it goes over the edge and not onto clothes/into hair.
Cons: Very exposed to the elements, not recommended for overnight stay. Proximity to wildlife. A homeless dude might not be able to climb that thing, but raccoons sure as hell can. Beware the mapache.
2.) Under the Die Table At The Pregame: 2 Stars
Pros: Good shelter, prime for extreme weather. Provides shade in the sun and a roof in the rain. Common ground cover such as grass or dirt provides a much more forgiving bed than the concrete gutter. May receive some care or supervision from a familiar resident.
Cons: Only usable with the lightest of lightweights or crippling alcoholics, as blacking out at the pregame is something anyone over 110 pounds has to really try for. Die tables at more crowded parties later in the evening represent too much of a trample risk. You may catch some flak from whoever owns the aforementioned table and your friend will most likely stink like Natty Light for hours afterwards.
1.) The IV Foot Patrol Office: 1 Star
Pros: You won’t have to deal with your “friend” for quite a while.
Cons: You’re a colossal asshole.
It’s 2018, and no one has time to be slowed down by the overly inebriated anymore. Use this handy guide from the public intoxication professionals here at The Black Sheep UCSB to run wild and free down Del Playa and Sabado, at least until you crash out too and get dumped in the sand at the Dogshit volleyball court.
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