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Top 7 Study-Substances You Need to Fight the Urge to SPT

Distractions are everywhere at UCSB. Focusing on studying for finals week during spring quarter is already hard enough what with the ever-present urge to surf, party, and tan. SPT, baby. Some say it can’t be done at all. However, our scientists here at The Black Sheep have done some *intense* research and found that studying is not only within your grasp, it can actually be easy. Here are the best methods to concentrate this finals season:

7.) Yerba Mate:
Ah, good old Yerba Mate. The tried and true method of Gauchos everywhere. Available at every store on campus and often being given away for free, this fully caffeinated energy-bomb allows you to fuck off all day, then stay up all night catching up. While the unsweetened variety tastes like a vegan’s grass shits, some of the flavors actually have a nice taste to them and can add an enjoyable aspect to your next study sesh.

6.) Coffee:
Coffee is the normie version of Yerba, but it can get the job done too, we guess. It works best in a pinch if you’re *shudder* stuck at a dining common or the stores are out of Yerba. Be careful with coffee, though, as consuming too much will make your friends think you’re old and lame.

5.) Adderall:
Have a final the next day and you haven’t been to class since the midterm? Crack your knucks and pop an Addy Daddy. Next thing you know, it’s four in the morning and you haven’t moved from your seat in the library in 18 hours. You have multiple piss bottles next to you and smell like Larry the Hobo from IV, but hey, chemistry is now your bitch.

4.) Drink a pint of lagoon water and spin in circles for 7 minutes:
We aren’t sure how this was started, but it sure does work. Don’t believe us? Go to the lagoon during dead week and see the engineering students gathering in droves. If it’s good enough for the biggest nerds on campus, it’s sure enough good for you. Students who have experimented with this method report a surge of energy, surely from all of the microscopic life and duck shit they just consumed. Though not technically FDA approved, lagoon water is popular in Europe and does not have any serious known side effects.

3.) Actually get a good night’s sleep:
Honestly, fuck this method. Sleep is for the weak, and surely not the Gaucho way.

2.) The blood of a raccoon in sacrifice to Chancellor Yang:
Many people do not know this, but Chancellor Yang, similar to the gods of the Aztec peoples, is fueled by blood sacrifice and Jameson. Being all powerful, he does not have blood of his own, and requires sacrifices to keep his godly energies flowing. Since human sacrifice is not legal in the USA, raccoon sacrifices to the great Yang in the Sky will have to do. In turn, he will reward you with immense focus and prosperous grades.

1.) Don’t be a bitch and just memorize the information the first time around:
Honestly, if you don’t have an eidetic memory, what are you doing in college anyways? Use your brain juices: go to lecture every day, sit down, and listen. Don’t write anything down, as that would be a waste of precious partying energy, instead just use the memory that Daddy Yang gave you when he created you.

There it is, all of the best methods to focus for finals. If these don’t help you pass, we don’t know what will. Happy studying Gauchos, and may the answers be ever in your favor. 

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