Prepare yourselves, freshmen: This is the time of year when pretending to be the perfect roommate tears apart at the seams. You’re still too young to understand that if you’re a mostly reasonable human being, just communicating your problems face-to-face with the person responsible usually solves them. Don’t worry though — your snappy attitude, passive aggressive farts, and egregious failures to properly sexile your roommate will get the message across just fine. Without any outside intervention, you’re bound to make the same mistakes in choosing a roommate for next year. So, here’s your outside intervention. If you’re about to room with one of these, think again.
7.) Electrical Chemical Engineering AKA The Smelly Roommates:
Chemical engineers are up all night in ESB or ENG II sweating it out, yet don’t seem to ever look at the chemical matchups of BO vs deodorant. Maybe there’s something the rest of us don’t know… But, on the positive side, sexiling has never been a threat to you.
6.) Business AKA The Frat Bros:
All this bro has time for are keg stands at the ZBT’s and talking about puss ‘n stocks. You try to relate to him as a fellow straight male but you begin to doubt the credibility of his wild adventures. Especially since the last time he brought up boobs, he described them as sandbags. You’re not sure what’s more annoying, him talking about trickle down economics, grabbing her by the pussy, or the late night vom-fests in your trash after hazing.
5.) The Arts Major AKA The Messy Ones:
90% of us are this roommate despite not being art majors, it’s just that art majors are ~creative types~ and thus, like, super messy. There’s plenty of nights that you’ll find an art major rolling into their rooms, taking off their clothes, leaving them on the floor and eating the entire box of Buffalo Chicken Cheese Fries from IV Deli. At the same time if you claim to not have done this at some point in your academic career, you’re lying.
4.) Environmental Studies AKA The Eats-out-of-dumpsters Freegan-vegans:
Environmental studies majors know exactly which dumpsters have the best tasting and preserved vegan foods in IV. (It’s the trash cans by Buddha Bowls and a couple dumpsters on Abrego.) But as a roommate, it gets a little tiring hearing how their bodies are “a temple that filled exclusively with MDMA” before they dip out to Burning Man for a month.
3.) Biology/Chemistry AKA The Shut Ins:
This roommate may be one of the best shitty roommates you can get. Bio and chem majors are neat, they bathe (unlike their engineering counterparts), and never complain about anything you do. The only problem is, they never leaves their rooms. There’s never anything wrong with it but just, when are you ever going to get the room to yourself? Whenever you come back a little drunk, they’ll look up from their Chem 116 notes to glare daggers of jealousy at, you as if you took a shit on his bed and then tucked yourself into your clean sheets for the night.
2.) Communications AKA The Sorority Sisters:
Much like the business bro, running the Tri-Delt twitter feed and her hopeful internship at Buzzfeed is all she’ll talk about. Also, that bitch Katrina. She’s such a bitch. After she doesn’t get a bid, she’ll come crying to you as her “only true friend” because she doesn’t know any other way than to pay for friendship… but she kind of is because rent is in your name. Sorority girls love to major in communications because communications is easy, and yes, pretty much all of staff here at The Black Sheep are communications majors because that’s all we’re sort of good at.
1.) The Sociology Major AKA The Aggressively Nudist:
Sociology majors will ease you into it, try to lull you into false sense of security what with their “everything’s the human experience,” and their, like, absurd amount of weed. Then, after a few days, he’ll start walking around shirtless. Not a problem. Then in his underwear. Guess that’s fine. Then, before you know it, he’s sleeping, studying, cooking and cleaning au naturel. It makes you kind of uncomfortable so you ask him to at least wear some clothes when you have guests over, to which he sits you down and has a long talk to you about how clothes are a social construct and a cage for your body and that you should learn to love your body and stop hiding it under shame.
Beware of these roommates — if you get stuck with one, the only solution is to move out while you still can!
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