It’s been six long months since you felt the touch of another Gaucho. You feel crushed beneath your expectations of fulfillment. Where can you rest your worn out body? The Black Sheep has compiled a list of places to find solace in these troubling times and express your crippling sexual frustration.
9.) The quiet emptiness of DLG’s outdoor seating:
Squeeze your eyes shut and pinch the bridge of your nose tightly as you exhale deeply and reflect on how helpless your situation is. It’s as though you go to steal a tangerine from inside the dining commons, but every time you approach the basket, it empties. For six relentless months. Why didn’t you go to that party, Tim?
8.) Waiting for academic advising in Cheadle Hall:
Did you know they won’t help you transfer to another school? Think about whether administration is actually invested in your success outside UCSB as you feel your thoughts of anguish drift into your unconscious mind where they can only harm you in your dreams.
7.) The white sands of the volleyball court outside Santa Rosa:
Rest your tush in the soft sand as you slowly peel back the label of your water bottle until just the sticky part is left and gets on your fingers. Wash your hands inside and avoid looking in the mirror because your self-esteem is lower than a hog’s chin on market day.
6.) The mysterious Invisible Flame behind the library:
You’re sure to be distracted from pangs of despair from deep within by this strange new commemorative flame that burns a clear jet 24 hours a day. Recently installed on UCSB’s campus, this remembrance is located in a high-traffic area and attracts sexually frustrated students like moths to a very safe flame.
5.) The long wooden benches outside Buchanan:
The occasional frustratee may find comfort in the solitary benches outside Buchanan lecture hall while they try not to think of metaphors that describe their situation perfectly. “It’s like a gadfly that keeps driving you onward, stinging and never letting you rest,” says Alec Barr to anyone who will listen.
4.) The tufted benches just inside the library entrance:
Push down your sorrows on a plush, probably genuine leather bench near the entrance of Davidson. Consider why you came all this way to sit on something without a backrest. Seriously, why does anyone utilize these?
3.) This bench in front of the UCen:
As the Counting Crows cover of “Big Yellow Taxi” so wisely notes: “you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone.” Hear this line reverberate in your head as you watch people who don’t understand your burning desire to procreate go inside to pick up their mail.
2.) Cuddled up to an abandoned bear at the Hatlen Theater loading dock:
Philosophy 103 stresses that fuzziness cures all ailments and inanimate objects make excellent listeners. Try explaining where it all went wrong to this friendly-looking prop that looks like he just wanted a little California sunshine.
1.) Meandering through Pardall Tunnel:
Feel the weight of your failure to achieve your evolutionary purpose lift from your backpack-ladened shoulders as each strip of LEDs flickers on and off with your passing. So what if you can’t get no relief? Walking through this fancy tunnel is better than trying to get your rocks off anyway.
While you wallow in self loathing, listen to a podcast! Like this one!
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