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True Life: I Dumped My Girlfriend When I Found Out She Rides A Cruiser

It is a well known fact that cruiser bikes are the bane of UCSB. They’re slow, loud, and take up the entire lane. Coupled with the fact that the people riding them usually have no idea what they are doing, and you’ve got a disaster-waiting-to-happen on wheels. I avoid these ridiculously rattly rust-buckets at all costs. So, you can imagine the turmoil I experienced when I found out that my girlfriend rides a cruiser.

I don’t want to just give away all of these secrets about her, so to keep her confidentiality, I’ll call her “Kevin.” Kevin was perfect in every way. She was beautiful, funny, and had these adorable little quirks that made her special. It was so cute the way her pupils got smaller when she looked into bright lights, and the way her leg kicked out if you hit her knee. Also, she had no gag reflex. But most of all, she loved me for me.

I first met Kevin in the Arbor. I was late to my class in Campbell Hall, and she was a CALPIRG volunteer. You could say it was love at first sight. You’d be wrong. That annoying ass bitch wouldn’t leave me alone, even though I CLEARLY had somewhere to be. I tried to run, but she kept stepping in front of me and talking about how “UCSB needs to be more sustainable,” and “Save the narwhals.” I finally broke free and made it to class.

Over the next few weeks, Kevin stopped me almost every day. We almost fought multiple times (looking back on it, super hot!). I gradually stopped hating her, and began to realize how beautiful she was. I asked her out to food (you know, the code), and we quickly began dating. The next few weeks were the most joyous of my life. Kevin was fantastic. She showered me in love, and our sex was amazing. She always said it was “the best two minutes of her life,” and I agree with her. But on a sunny Saturday afternoon, it all came crashing down.

Kevin wanted to go on a romantic picnic to Sand’s Beach. Since neither of us went to a private school in the Bay Area, we didn’t have cars, and decided to bike there. I saw the first red flag when I asked her how we would take all of the food there. Kevin replied, “I can just put it in my basket.” Being blinded by love and sex hormones, I thought she meant a picnic basket.

Oh, how wrong I was.

I rode to her dorm to meet up. I texted her, and she said she was outside the dorm already. I searched, and that’s when I found her. Just sitting there, like nothing was wrong. Happy. My Kevin was happy. How could she be happy on one of those wretched devices? A cruiser bike, for God’s sake.

Instead of the warmth I usually felt when I saw Kevin, everything was cold. I felt the weight of the world suddenly pressing on my shoulders. A black tunnel slowly crept into my vision, and then there was nothing. I came-to a few minutes later, in Kevin’s arms. Sweet as always, making sure I was okay. But my eyes welled over, as I already knew what I had to do. She asked what was wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to even speak the words.

“You know what you’ve done,” I said through gritted teeth, as my sadness quickly turned to anger. How could she do this to me? This whole time, I had been dating a cruiser bike rider? What would my parents have done if they had found out? Would I even be allowed to step foot in my home? Just like George from Of Mice and Men, I knew what I had to do. When it was over, I disposed of the body and rode away, thankful that I would never have to see Kevin again. Praise the Lord.

Cruiser bikes are a scourge to society. Many men (and women) continue to be in relationships with partners who ride them. To those people I say: you don’t have to settle. You can do better. Don’t let their toxicity keep you down. Let the cruiser riders date within themselves, and natural selection will take its course. Every single day I think about what I could have lost had I stayed in that relationship. I don’t want others to experience that reality.

NOTE: Some people are worried that I “killed Kevin,” and should be “tried for murder.” Please, let me assure you the Of Mice and Men reference was just a metaphor that our relationship was ending suddenly with the other person not knowing why, and then dying for unrelated reasons. JFC, read a book.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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