Most of UCSB’s buildings are named after old dead white guys (probably). Campbell Hall, Bren Hall, Harold Frank Hall, IV Theater, the list goes on and on. It’s time for UCSB to spice up the titles of its buildings. To help with the process, The Black Sheep staff at UCSB went out and found a 10-year-old boy named Colton to rename some of our most prominent structures on campus. He did a great job. Here are the names he came up with (also, if anyone knows someone missing a child named Colton, or even just someone who wants a child named Colton, let us know. We’re done with him and don’t need/want him anymore).
6.) Storke Tower = My Penis:
Colton chose to begin his job of renaming UCSB’s buildings by seizing the opportunity to let us know how gargantuan his schlong is by equating Storke Tower to his 10-year-old penis. While his claim remains more impressive than convincing, “My Penis” sure beats “Storke Tower.”
5.) Campbell Hall = Your Butt:
To Colton, having a big butt is a cardinal sin. He wants you to feel really, really bad about yourself.
4.) The Hub = Pandaland:
Colton decided that due to the fact that everyone eats pandas at the Hub, the dining facility should therefore be renamed “Pandaland.” Whether he realizes Panda Express does not serve panda meat remains shockingly unclear. When told that the restaurant is just named after pandas and does not grill or fry them, Colton responded with nothing more than a small fart and a thumbs down.
3.) HSSB = Dumb Poor People Place:
Colton hates liberal arts majors. He wishes everyone was as good at computer games as him. He will not let you pet his Nintendogs.
2.) The Library = Sexy Town:
“That’s where I’d do sex every night,” was Colton’s only explanation for this one. It’s important to take into consideration that he said this just after excusing burping up some chewed pretzel by saying “I’m just a little boy.”
1.) Broida Hall = The Poop House:
After sitting in on a physics lecture in Broida Hall, Colton declared “this place is like my poops” and he decided to rename the building accordingly.
So Colton did a great job renaming all of our favorite buildings. That’s for sure. Doesn’t change the fact that someone needs to take this kid back before he pees himself on the couch again.