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UCSB Dining Commons Introduce Brown Tuesday to Follow Green Monday

After the resounding success and unquestioned popularity of Green Monday in the Dining facilities on campus, UCSB has decided to implement Brown Tuesday, hoping to enhance students’ dining experience and their need to sprint to the bathroom.

Green Monday is one of UCSB’s most prized days on campus, in which lines to get into the dining commons just never seem to end. “They had tater tots once, so that was pretty cool,” said Cara Navore, a San Miguel resident, when asked about the exhilarating menu on this ceremonial day.

After seeing all the positive energy and clear skin revolving around Green Monday, the administration is set to embark on a new project this quarter known as Brown Tuesday.  “After Green Monday, we often have a lot of surplus meat hanging around, so we decided to do something creative and tasty for the students to enjoy,” said Head DLG Chef John Cook.

The main principle of the theme is that every Tuesday following Green Monday, the dining staff will put all of the remaining meat that went unused due to the vegetarian holiday into a blender, and serve mystery concoctions. Students have the option to eat their meal through a spoon, a straw, or for the more adventurous, one of the many funnels confiscated by the RHA from freshman dorms.

“Brown Tuesday will be great for both the students and the dining staff,” said Carrillo Chef Tom Grilli. “It provides students with protein-packed meals, and it really helps us out in terms of maximizing efficiency. For example, this salmon is supposed to expire tomorrow, so we throw it in the blender with some of this leftover chicken – at least, I think that’s chicken – and voila, we’ve met our goal of zero waste,” he continued, pausing to throw in some “tasty, albeit unidentifiable pork parts.”

The idea is facing some mixed sentiment throughout campus. Second year Will Johnson said, “To be honest, I thought they were already doing that before. I found a bone in my chocolate milk once and I’ve been suspicious ever since.”

The idea was tested before a panel of students last Thursday to examine the impression that it had. It was greenlit after 4 of the 5 judges agreed it is a great way to cleanse your system, because it supposedly “passes right through before you even know what hit you.”

Three of the panel members were hospitalized Thursday night for “unrelated reasons,” the dining facilities’ spokesperson assured The Black Sheep.

When the administration was asked why they don’t just cook the remaining meat like normal, their response was that it is an attempt to appeal to today’s youth. “In a time where protein shakes and Acai bowls are all the craze, liquidized food is in, and we want to keep our dining commons up to those same standards,” said Marsha Stuart, member of the Administration’s Dining Committee. “Just think of how much more protein and flavor is packed into one Brown Tuesday smoothie than even a whole carton of Soylent!”

Whether this idea has positive results is yet to be seen. As is expected with any new policy, some hesitation and skepticism is to be expected, but after some growing pains, Brown Tuesday may very well flourish and ultimately achieve the same popularity as Green Monday.

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