Just days after billionaire Charles Munger gave UCSB the largest single donation in the school’s history ($200 million), another billionaire has donated a staggering sum of money to fix the school’s unnecessary overuse of toilet paper.
In an unprecedented move, UCSB will take a massive leap towards its sustainability goals by replacing every roll of toilet paper in the school with large, bathtub-sized bidets. Ana Lee Spotless, the woman behind the curtain in this ambitious, first-of-its-kind project, is the co-founder of the Silicon Valley start-up, CleanUrBottoms, that was recently bought for $4.7 billion by Facebook. When asked why she chose UCSB as the location for this project, Ms. Spotless responded: “What fascinated me is 28 acres next to the beach combined with dry buttholes. I like fixing dry buttholes.”
Students and faculty alike are rejoicing in the news that they will now be dingleberry-free. Second-year econ major Ben Dover-Andwipe told us that he frequently “can’t really be bothered” to clean himself properly and oftentimes he “just doesn’t have the time nor the patience,” to bend over and wipe. Similarly, tenured professor of oceanography Sandy Hole praised the project, saying that he “likes the way it feels,” and stated that the bidets “make me giggle a little when the water goes up there.”
Sustainability is certainly a noble goal for a school that founded the modern field of Environmental Studies. However, critics of the new plan argue that it “is very stupid,” and “California is in a drought. The water that will be wasted by these bidets could be more useful in places that are not located up some drunk freshman’s a-hole.”
Another common argument heard from detractors of the project is that walking around with water inside of one’s anus is “unpleasant.”
While many people have mixed feelings about such a controversial, and sudden, shift in UCSB’s policy on their student’s colons, the donation does have one major supporter. Chancellor Henry T. Yang has lauded the project as being “revolutionary” and hopes that the new additions to the school will “significantly moisten” the student body. When asked for his personal opinion on the matter, Chancellor Yang said, “the first thing to go when I moved into my house was the toilet paper. The first thing to arrive was a French bidet.”