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The Official UCSB Res Hall Ranking by Litness

Students have long debated which of the dorms offers the best accommodations – be it based on space, views, location or food, everyone wants to know before they move in, and maybe-sort of defends their dorm afterward. However, no one’s had the cajones to rank UCSB res halls by their overall litness, for which there is an intricate and totally arbitrary system. Behold the end-all be-all of these rankings, as our team of researchers has finally reached consensus on a final report:

6.) Manzanita:

In terms of its proximity to DP, Manzanita is the dream Res Hall for anyone looking to party in IV. Plus, having Carrillo right next to the dorms ensures that residents won’t be stumbling far in between a 12-shot pregame and a bite to eat before the big rager. Carillo is one of the better dining commons on campus, so risk of food poisoning is relatively low. The main drawback is the village-wide Designate Buzzkill Zone — great for going out, not great for staying in.

5.) San Rafael:

San Rafael is right next to Manzanita and hence right next to DP and Carillo. The main difference between San Raf and Manzy is that San Raf offers four-person and eight-person suites, so the physical accommodations have an advantage over other dorms. However, says current third-year and former San Rafael resident Andrew S. : “Everyone in San Raf is a social piece of shit, so good luck trying to party.”

4.) Santa Rosa:

Santa Rosa is the closest of the shorties to DP, but it is still pretty damn far. It has access to two different dining commons, which is a definite plus, so risk of food poisoning is low because you can always avoid the questionable food options. RAs (trying to) watch 30 to 50 students each makes partying in the dorms pretty easy if you were accepted on merit and not for sports or to meet the campus blonde quota.

3.) Santa Cruz:

Santa Cruz is a HIKE to DP. It’s conveniently located next to DLG, where the risk of food poisoning is relatively low. It was the most recently remodeled of the shorties, so it’s popular for weirdos who actually like to spend time in their dorms (yuck). This hall has a particularly vibrant social life on the substance-free floors, which are widely known to be a cover for the RHA’s Quality Assurance Lab which evaluates the drugs they confiscate.

2.) Anacapa:

Anacapa has the most lenient RAs and a fun social life, but is the farthest walk from both DP and the Dining Commons. Good for partying in your room, good luck trying to party anywhere else.

1.) Santa Catalina (FT):

Fuck Towers are appropriately named, as the only non-fucking activities here include drinking and smoking, usually at the same time. Portola does take it down a notch though with their woefully substandard fare, so despite being lit as fuck 24/7, risk of food poisoning is quite high around these parts.

There you have the comprehensive guide to partying and eating in and around the dorms. The scene is great in FT and Anacapa, but students looking for 3 actually edible meals per day should seek other options or risk coming down with Portola Poisoning *shudder*.


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