For the first time in recorded history over winter break, UCSB reached the communal limit for smoke tolerance on campus from the hazy blanket provided by the Thomas Fire. University staff decided to make the campus smoke-free once and for all, and finally fenced off the popular smoke pit outside Davidson Library.
With campus smokers left lost and without a place to turn, many were forced to venture all the way to Isla Vista before they could take a long drag of nicotine ambrosia. Still more got lost along the way, or worse yet, had their cigarettes confiscated by members of the Yang Gang looking to steal a hit of those sweet, sweet puffable cancer sticks.
After weeks of torture for the group, a certain Calvin Puffer found an oasis after embarking on what he described as an “heroic odyssey.”
“I looked to my left and noticed a completely identical smoke pit only five feet away!” Puffer claimed. Naturally, it was a rocky transition at first, but once he regained his breath long enough to wheeze and stumble the three steps over, he discovered that this new spot was “just as good as the original, if not even better.”
Since then, the smokers have rejoiced and been living in an age of Renaissance. 7/11 and IV Deli claim that the puffer sticks are flying off the shelves at a rate previously seen only around finals.
“I’ve had to put in orders for emergency overnight shipments three times this week – and it’s only Tuesday!” said J. Camel, proprietor of 7/11. “Here we thought this would be the end of our cancer slinging operation, but lo and behold, our business has tripled since these ingenious smokers thought to get up and walk to the next bench, since no one gives a shit anyway.”
When asked about the events, one current smoker wishing to remain anonymous replied, “I didn’t think we would make it. We were personally attacked and only because of a bunch of smoke we didn’t even blow. Mother Nature blew it and all these damn Californians claim to love everything that’s organic and natural with their tomfoolery of crystal healing instead of getting their kids vaccinations.”
The participant refused to give out his name in case the UCPD come for him and his family, but our on the scene reporter lovingly nicknamed him “The Walrus” since he was smoking two cigarettes at once, both hanging out from either side of his mouth for maximum cancer-contracting efficiency.
Although they seem to be living in a time of bliss and freedom, there is an underlying feeling of anxiety and fear knowing that the UCPD could at any time upend their way of life, and bring on another dark age of lawful tickets for people smoking in unlawful locations. At press time, however, the pigs in question had their hands full apprehending hooligans for skateboarding through Arbor. Thank God they can protect us from being on time to class, even if it comes at the expense of a little second-hand cancer down the road.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: