Dear President-Elect Trump,
A few days ago we all realized you’re actually going to be inaugurated as the next president of the United States – lol. While we have for the most part accepted that for the next four years our supreme leader will be an orange whackjob with teeny tiny little nub hands, we’re still not quite uber-stoked on it. That’s why you should consider taking the following actions as boss man of the USA in order to up your supporter count from a measly four kids here at UCSB.
First, since we all know how much your VP is into weeny luvin’, we want you to kiss Mike Pence in public, like, all the fucking time. Joint press conference? Kiss him. Getting off Air Force One together? Lock lips. State of the Union? Throw some tongue in there. We think that would be pretty neat and it would get rid of any misconceptions the American public might have about you two being, you know, kind of intolerant.
Second, we want our chancellor, Harry Yang, to be made Secretary of Steez. When it comes to steez, Yang’s got tons of it. There’s not one soul in this nation better equipped to head up the Department of Steez for the next four years.
Third, we all want little dogs. Itty bitty teency weency little doggy dogs. If there’s one thing taxpayers’ money should be put towards, it’s not a wall, a war, or even education for that matter. It’s Yorkshire Terriers and Cockapoos. Give us our Cockapoos, and cockapoo Pence for us too.
The fourth thing we need you to do for us is record and release your own high production value rendition of Flo Rida’s hit single “Right Round.” Let us feel like we’re in the glory days of middle school again. Back when all we had to stress about were pre-algebra tests and whether iCarly was every going to take Freddy’s D. Do this for us, and we might even stop making tiny hand jokes. You scratch our back, we scratch yours.
Fifth, instead of building the wall on the Mexican border, build it up North. Here in southern California we tend to be pretty pro-Mexican stuff. We like their food and the people are honestly pretty chill. You should try meeting one some time. But those Canadian dudes are soft as shit. We ain’t even need ‘em, and we ain’t even want ‘em. Grab ‘em by the pussy and chuck them back to the yuge icy shithole that they came from!
Finally, ditch the hair, bro. We wanna see that scalp glimmer.
WATCH: Going to school where the air doesn’t hurt > Going to school where it does: