For the first time in UCSB’s history, the university is enacting extreme measures administrators have deemed necessary to protect all of our facilities new and old properly from California natural disasters and the fucking death pit 21st century Santa Barbara has become.
Chancellor Yang announced in a press release that the number one problem facing the university was location. “Our location bordered by ocean to the south and national forest to the north quite simply is fucked,” Yang said. “UCSB may in fact be the only university in America that could be burnt by a forest fire and flooded by a tsunami at the same time.”
Naturally, less-flammable locales were considered, such as Northern California, until Yang got word that Northern
California was actually vaporized by the fire nation this summer. Less ocean-threatened areas were also considered, such as ANYWHERE not on a sea cliff or a tsunami evacuation zone.
However, the methods suggested to move campus features elsewhere were deemed almost cartoonish. For example, the university decided that upon much review that attempting to “take UCSB and push it somewhere else” was a logistical nightmare. Another suggestion was made to make the campus inflatable in case Santa Barbara officially burns its way to Valhalla and needs to escape to sea. Unsurprisingly, this was dropped pretty fast due to a shortage of campus size inflatables.
Behind closed doors, Yang decided that the only way to solve our location issue was to begin renovations of campus and replace all aspects of buildings with somehow-maybe-kinda-legal-now asbestos. “UCSB must get with the times and protect itself from fires at any cost, even if it means Making Mesothelioma Great Again,” Yang said.
Another plan that is gaining traction, dubbed Operation Rolling Coal, would put a lift on the university and covert every solar panel on campus to a diesel engine in compliance with EPA regulatory rollbacks.
“Yeehaw,” Yang said in reply to the operation, obvious that the chancellor is looking out for us and the environment.
Here’s to a new year of dodging smoke, mudslides, and, of course, collapsing cliffside homes on DP that we all know shouldn’t be there.
And also, look out for white dust on campus.
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