Midterm season is rough: the late night coffee runs, the studying, the not-studying guilt, the “Should I drop out?” Google searches. What’s next? Well, more midterms, finals, and then post-graduation unemployment. So instead of telling your friends you’re “literally dying,” you might as well take it up a notch and figure out how midterms could actually kill you.
10.) Studying aneurysms:
Studies show that studying leads to death. Powering through a headache might feel normal after cramming in a shitload of material, but the next one might result in a brain aneurysm. Doctors know this because while they were studying brain aneurysms, they all eventually die.
9.) Roommate rage:
You’re trying to study and your roommates have the audacity to annoyingly ruffle their sheets, laugh at memes, and snore? Their mere presence will inevitably lead to some issues. But, knowing you, they’ll find a way to beat you in fisticuffs and knock you out cold forever.
8.) All-nighter delirium:
You think your all-nighters are harmless beyond the slight bitchiness that comes out the next day. However, this time you snap and end up fighting with the Bruin Walk crossing guard who won’t let you jaywalk. You do it anyway and get hit by a freshman vlogger in his Lamborghini. Your death will no doubt become clickbait.
7.) Extreme procrastination
Procrastination via YouTube and Instagram is so amateur. You want to take it to the Guinness World Records level, so by staring at screens endlessly, you die from a blue light overdose. Whoops.
6.) Black market essay:
You have an essay due and desperately decide to buy it online. They offer to hand deliver it and you’re used to Postmates, so you send your personal information. They come with an A+ paper and free donuts just to be nice. No, actually, you’re murdered. It’s the black market—what’d you expect? Your kidneys are taken and sold, by the way.
5.) Stress eat like a beast:
Death by food inhalation. People were cheering you on at first, but then it just got sad.
4.) Plague casualty:
About a month ago, you rolled your eyes at a classmate you figured was exaggerating the extent of his cough, but now people around you are dropping like flies. With all this midterm exhaustion and sleep deprivation, the virus preys upon the suppressed immune systems and takes over the whole school. You feel the disease powerfully course through your veins. At first you think you’re acquiring a superpower, but you’re just about to be super dead.
3.) Switch to cocaine:
Adderall just wasn’t doing it anymore.
2.) Death metal:
Music distracts you from your hellhole reality, so you crank up the volume until your ear drums burst and you bleed out. Fatal!
1.) Denim death:
They’re called distressed jeans for a reason. While studying you nervously pull at the threads in your jeans, and don’t notice that a long thread dangles from your leg as you make your way into campus. A fellow Bruin yells out that you have gigantic string on your ass. Startled by his scream, you fall on your face and impale your eye with your kale banana smoothie straw that make UCLA go round. You’re like, “Ow.” He’s like, “Sorry,” but leaves you to die because he has a midterm.
R.I.P. On the plus side, death means no midterms. Well, unless hell turns out to be an endless cycle of midterms. Come to think of it, that heat wave was pretty intense. However, if you really don’t want to die, email this article to your professors and say, “Do you really want to be slapped with a wrongful death lawsuit?” Intimidation might lead to cancellation.
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