For every time at Wooden you’ve asked yourself, “How do I get that girl in Lulu to wear my bed sheets like a muumuu,” The Black Sheep have found several sure-fire ways to impress. You’re probably out of prime drinking shape: You can only take a couple of pulls, and girls don’t swoon for that Beta-male performance. Well, now you don’t only have to grind on drunk girls at parties; you can pick them up at the gym, too. Here’re six surefire ways to avoid rejection.
6.) Wear a cutoff with your house’s letters:
Cutoffs are truly a staple of the gym. Cutoffs with house letters are even better. Why? It shows girls you’re all about family, trust, brotherhood, and honor. You’d never, ever disrespect a woman, and you certainly don’t have early-onset alcoholism. Plus, cutoffs are the most well-ventilated shirt you can possibly wear; wearing one at Wooden doesn’t make you look like a douche–it makes you look smart.
5.) Only do curls…:
There’s a reason it’s called “curls for girls.” No matter the weight you’re using, the sheer power and masculinity attracts absolute dimes from miles around. Bonus points if you scream after every rep of your 10-lbs curls.
2.) Chat up every girl on the treadmills:
Everyone knows girls don’t go to Wooden to get in shape–they go to check out the guys. You own the gym, and you’re the most alpha male there. Make it easy for them by going up to each girl individually and hitting on her; if they don’t ask for it, it just means they haven’t seen you yet. Remember, if they’re on a treadmill, they can’t get off it until it stops.
1.) NEVER DO CARDIO:
Who cares if your heart is in such bad shape that you wheeze like an asthmatic hippo after a flight of stairs? Not you with those arms like Napoleon DYNAMITE. Plus, nothing turns girls off more than a guy riding a stationary bike like it’s the girlfriend he’ll never have.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: