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6 Things UCLA Freshmen Will Never Ever Understand

Newly-admitted freshmen walk onto UCLA, and they think they know everything—teachers, classes, friends—but that’s impossible because what about the stuff that isn’t there? Everybody returns and reflects on the new humanities sign, the squirrel family has a new baby squirrel, and your French professor looks just like the last one, but more French. Things change, and not-first-years have been around to see it all:

6.) The pain of having been #2 for so long:
UCLA freshmen assume they’re the toppest notch, #1 since birth, perpetual smarties―it’s impossible for them to even fathom the years of pain and suffering which comes from admitting that Cal is a single step above UCLA. For freshmen, our insistent “work hard play hard” motto has finally earned enough legitimacy for a #1 title, without every working very hard (except finals week).

5.) Signing your friends into dorms:
It used to be easy. Come in buzzed, forget your school I.D., or know the guy at the counter, and you would undoubtedly squeeze your way into any dorm building. Now, youngins are making their way through some UCLA airport security—no random checks, everybody’s a potential terrorist at UCLA. No form of I.D.? No entrance. Compromise doesn’t seem to be an option anymore. Back in the day, things were simpler.  

4.) Legitimate pride for the football team:
Imagine being excited for football season—yeah, it’s hard. 2014 was the finest time to be a UCLA football lover. With an overall record of 10-3, the Bruin store sold jerseys with actual numbers that athletes wore, and people liked them. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. Recent years of UCLA football playing has promoted the notion that certain players make throws and rush balls as if limp dick infected the rest of their talentless muscles.

3.) There’s a 7-11 in Westwood?:
Yep. You bet. Right in the heart of Westwood, too. No more scavenging around for blunt wraps or lighters or cheap Mexican beer. Sad to say there are no Prestige handles like at Ralph’s, but hey, freshmen have plenty momentum. Soon, it will be a trend for freshies to walk to Ralph’s, cop hand sanitizer bottles with a Prestige label on it, then mix the stuff in slurpees. An inventive UCLA delicacy that sadly wasn’t available to all students way back when.

 2.) A revamped suite:
The open-design, glamorous suites—shared kitchen, open-lighting rooms, and attractively color-coordinated—are the ultimate luxury of the future. These newly-erected, polished buildings have a snug spot on the Hill, with walking distance to every single dining hall. Even the name “suite” gets you daydreaming, as the dorms can be and are a sadistic trap. From the Gothic lighting in the hallways to the lingering stench of effluvium, getting a suite is the natural next freshmen step.

1.) B-Cafe goes to bed early:
Back in the old days, B-cafe sandwiches were used to cure any type of drunk munchies past midnight. The finely-melted cheese, wholesome bread, and carefully tended veggies are enough to give one a culinary-induced orgasm. They were easy to order, and we already had our favorite sandwich. Now, we have to embarrassingly, drunkenly order our sandwiches, one step at a time. The student cash registrar asks “What sandwich?” and somehow understands our plea for “banananana perz, laytuss, and uhhhhnions” with “shiken and pro bono cheese.” Even though drunchies has now become a game for the employees (and on this Thursday night of “how drunk is this Bruin”), at least you never have to remember any of it.


Hey, listen to our podcast, freshman! 

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