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6 UCLA Sports Events Not Worth Any of the Free S**t

Everyone loves free shit. The only thing that can extinguish the absolute passion for gifts of food and clothing in the heart of every UCLA student is having to watch three hours of disappointment and utter boredom to get it. Sometimes, even showing up feels like too much work. Here are 6 UCLA sports events that even idle North Campus majors won’t attend for free shit.

6.) Every. Single.Women’s. Basketball. Game.: 
The free shit: courtside tickets
It’s women’s basketball, c’mon, get your head out of your ass.

5.) Football: 
The free shit: designated driver
One of the most invaluable things in a college student’s life is a designated driver to get them back safe and sound from a five-hour tailgate. Unfortunately, to do so, you’d have to endure three hours of Jim Mora decimating the UCLA football program. Because why pay $8 for a Coors Light and another Rose Bowl massacre when you can get a handle of prestige and misery at home?

4.) Women’s volleyball, #13 UCLA vs. #2 Stanford:
The free shit: cookies, fidget spinners
Fresh cookies may be tempting after starving all summer long to impress Brad from ZBT for the first date party. But be assured that sitting in a crowd of 12-year-olds watching slow-motion volleyball is not how you want to spend your Friday night. Or any night for that matter.

3.) Softball, #3 UCLA vs. #2 Oregon on Cinco De Mayo:
The free shit: tacos and Rubio’s coupons
UCLA is supposedly the most politically-correct and understanding institution in the world. But culturally appropriating a Mexican holiday to sell tickets suggests otherwise. No Heather, it is not Mexican Independence Day, my culture is NOT your costume. And, if they’re going to buy students with Mexican food, it better be tamales.

2.) Men’s volleyball, UCLA vs. Hawaii:
The free shit: Hawaiian pizza and flip flops
Eating pizza and seeing a seven-foot Soundcloud phenom tear up the court sounds like a great Thursday night. Once once you realize Kofi Kid is the next Anthony Bennett (and that pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza), you’ll decide there’s nothing worse. Even going to DTD would be a better move.

1.) Men’s tennis, UCLA against anyone:
The free shit: bucket hats & tuition for a year
Why sit under the beating sun staring at guys hitting balls when you can spend your Saturday afternoon lounging by the Sunset Rec pool with the girls from Kappa instead? Even the tennis players hate tennis, and a bucket hat won’t change that. Tuition for a year. For men’s tennis. If it ain’t Federer and Nadal, we’ll pass.

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