Some things are hard to get rid of: STDs, a shitty GPA, the eternal desire to not disappoint your parents. Even harder to get rid of? An entire frat. Sometimes they just don’t want to pay their dues—everyone get it. Sometimes being hazed sucks and you’re too much of a weenie to stand up for yourself, but fear no more. Here are a few handy tips to get kicked off frat row at UCLA while also creating problems for all of those around you:
7.) Try a culturally-relevant party theme:
Try connecting it to a recent or upcoming holiday. Columbus Day? Colonial bros and tribal hoes. Father’s Day? Absent fathers and disappointment daughters. Halloween? Murder. Bonus points for an offensive reference to mainstream rappers who may or may not have ended up in Ronald Reagan.
6.) Only play racially offensive music and shout it into the void:
Frat guys love many things: Fireball Fridays, off-brand soda, mansplaining, and pretending to be black. As most white people know, the best way to pay respect to other races is to appropriate them and make them generally feel uncomfortable. Make sure your playlists are laden with songs that give you the perfect opportunity to shout the racist words when the whole room falls into an inconvenient silence.
5.) Rank girls on the way in:
Before a girl enters your party, be sure to let her know if she’s a high 6 or a low 7. Maybe she’s a 4 and you don’t want her fucking up the ratio. The point is to be as brutally honest as possible. Self esteem is a social construct. The shittier they feel, the more they’ll want you.
4.) Leave the gift of gas leak at your next sorority dinner:
Every so often, a sorority will invite you over to enjoy a nice sober meal. While everyone mingles, you have the perfect time to fuck with the plumbing. It shouldn’t be fair that girls can yak in your bed on Thursday nights and get to return to this meticulously tidy oasis. Assert your dominance over the female sex by fumigating their homes with suffocating exhaust.
3.) Haze your pledges by making them drug mules:
All that prestige can really fuck with a budget. Sometimes everyone needs a little side hustle to pay the bills. The benefit of pledges is that they will literally do anything for your approval, so do your worst! Strap all kinds of shit to them: cocaine, black tar heroin, crystal meth, and send them into Compton, Tijuana, Bel Air, or really whatever feels right. Watch the big bucks roll in.
2.) Publish your dearest and most secret manifestos in the Daily Bruin:
Throw caution to the wind and let everybody know how terrible you are. Remember, secret secrets are no fun unless you share with the Daily Bruin. And don’t worry; if things escalate, you can just knock down your old house and build a new one for a cool $5 mil. No pressure.
1.) Sink so deep into the hole of degeneracy that it’s almost impossible to claw your way out:
Jk, that hasn’t stopped anyone yet. Best of luck shaming yourself and your entire brotherhood!
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