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8 Things to Steal From UCLA While They Steal Your Joy

With peak suffering right around the corner, we all feel our discontent with UCLA for making us go through this and with ourselves for procrastinating this long, but UCLA has stolen so much from you: your pride, your joy, your ego and intelligence. It’s time you hit back and steal from UCLA (to help finish your apartment) while they steal your joy during finals. 

8.) The Bruin Bear, for extra aesthetic:

What’s the first thing we Bruins do when we move into apartments? Make our bed? HELL NO! We decorate it, we aestheticize it, we make it UCLA-ready. And what better way to do that then by adding the Bruin Bear ITSELF!

7.) Anything from the Campus Store (start small with calligraphy pens):

You can’t forget school supplies–after all you are at the #1 public university in the nation. Who does ASUCLA think they are charging $5 for a goddamn pen? We’re Bruins, so we go big or go home. What better way to turn that petty theft Bruin Strong by getting yourself the latest Macbook Pro. That ‘student discount’ is shit anyways.

6.) Tear Bunche out of North Campus and make it your luxury apartment:

In the case that you don’t actually have an apartment yet, don’t worry–that’s why you STEAL YOUR OWN PLACE! Bunche is a bitch to walk to, For your sake and the sake of the entire UCLA community, save everybody from their finals on the eighth floor of Bunche, and just take the damn thing.

5.) Use BPlate to set up your dining room and silverware:

Bags aren’t allowed in the dining hall–and it’s not because we want to steal food–it’s because we need that dinnerware. That’s where those UCLA hoodies you stole from the Bruin Store come in handy. Remember: go big or go home. Once you’ve reached Super Saiyan Stealer, just walk out with a table! Do you know how embarrassed the employees might feel telling you to put it back? Pfft.

4.) Steal yourself a personal chef:

Okay, okay, kidnapping sounds a bit unethical, but we’re students, not chefs! And who wouldn’t mind living off of B-Plate food?

3.) Consider campus a free shelter: take the huskies, Powell Cat and the squirrels:

Sure, most apartments have a no pets policy, but your apartment your rules, right? Imagine a life where you wake up to the Powell Cat lying in bed next to you, while the huskies open up your curtains and the UCLA squirrels form an assembly line to bring you breakfast in bed. What a life!

2.) After mugging an employee for their clothes, take the treadmill at Wooden:

Another problem Westwood apartments: if they have gyms, they’re expensive af. You can solve this by dressing up like a maintenance worker, go to Wooden to do “maintenance,” and just take the fucking treadmill. Then a Stair Master. Then a rowing machine. Fuck it, take a bench too.

1.) Steal a maintenance pickup truck:

You gotta get around somehow, right? Yeah, it might not be a nice, international-student, expensive-ass Mercedes, but it works (not to mention you get free parking on campus with it). All your friends will be jealous about the free parking and glad they have one less of these trucks driving around campus.


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