You may have forgotten about Bird, or ended your tortured love affair after a $200 ticket, but there are unsung heroes who still revel in overpriced electric scooters. As some have figured out, you can make money for charging Birds at night.
“The harder the Bird is to find, the more you make. We’re motherfucking bounty hunters,” said Jake Hoffberger, a fourth year student and first year charger.
But life is not so easy for these amateur Bird chargers. As the availability of scooters becomes slim, many of the chargers have banded together to form Bird gangs.
“We don’t like the word gang, actually,” said Bird charger Joseph Dangler, “we form conglomerates based on charging territory. It’s like…You just can’t fuck with another guy’s territory.”
According to an anonymous source, one gang’s territory surrounds the Theta Xi fraternity. Representatives for the fraternity have not admitted to housing a bird charging gang. However, one brave man claiming to belong to the Gayley Ave Gang was willing to speak.
“Bruh, this shit is for real,” said Alex Draper. “I’m pretty sure I’m richer than my own dad now, and he works on Wall Street.”
We informed Alex that this was too much information.
The other charging gang is said to be located somewhere near Boelter Hall. There is speculation that engineering students are planning to harvest the Bird batteries and sell the new energy source to Elon Musk.
We asked an objective third party, campus officer Wrangles, what he thought of the erupting Bird violence on campus. “I don’t fucking know. I just want to ticket these fuckers and buy a hot tub.”
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