There’s shame, and then there’s accepting anything offered on Bruin Walk. But, Girl Scouts are crafty motherfuckers and know that the only thing that college students will stop for is sweet, delicious Thin Mints. Bake sale to support childhood cancer? Fuck that. Donuts to protest Donald Trump’s wall? Nah. Samoas–what was your Venmo again?
As finals approach and students become too busy to stop for their go-to stress eating food, many girl scouts have been left reeling. According to 11-year old-Rachel Price: “Our troop is guaranteed a trip to Disneyland if we reel in enough desperate and insecure UCLA students. We need this shit like I needed a tiara for my fourth birthday, so desperately.”
As a result, Girl Scouts have eagerly resorted to the infamous Bird and Venmo as a means of increasing profits.
“We will literally Bird to your apartment for a $5 venmo,” advertised Girl Scout, Jessica Lang. “If I don’t have a picture posing with Mickey Mouse for my Instagram, I will literally have a fucking tantrum.”
According to local stoner Jeff Jones, “This is better than Postmates.” Jones said that he and his friends ordered a record 23 boxes of Do-Si-Dos while absolutely toasted.
“I kinda forgot, then this little girl just showed up at my door on an electric scooter and the perfect answer to my munchies,” Jones said.
John Ellis, president of Triangle (which he insists is a real frat) also had rave reviews: “Usually the only people that show up to our parties are other dudes, but ever since we’ve started incentivizing girls with drunk cookies, we’ve had a turnout of at least 15 people per party. And when those tiny goddesses whip over in their Birds, cookies in tow, we know there’s a 20% chance maybe someone here will get to talk to a girl. We’re on the rise.”
We asked another local Scout Tiffany Ross what she thought of the increasing popularity of their delivery service.
“Honestly, I’m grounded right now,” Ross said. “People keep Venmoing me with weird euphemisms like ‘thanks for the crack’ and ‘daddy’s favorite plug.’ I thought this was just about cookies.”
According to Ann Ross, mother of Tiffany, “I’m a bit scared of how popular our services have become, but we’re balling the fuck out, so I’m just going to keep letting it happen.”
It’s been a win-win relationship thus far.