The beginnings of a successful social and private life requires a perfect UCLA roommate, one that knows how to wash dishes but also who can keg stand for 15 seconds. For the ladies, someone whose closet can be your own, and whose superior hair products will make you look good, too. For the guys, a scrawnier, less capable Beta male, to consistently haze and ignore at will. Wherever the search may take you, follow these ideas to find the perfect roommate.
6.) Avoid stressed-out South Campus majors:
North Campus majors don’t study or do work; they sit back, read half a novel, then “cram” by sparknoting the rest. More uniquely and strangely, with their free-time, they love to clean. On the other hand, those South Campus majors study way damn too much to have time to be nice and tidy. Avoid living with a slob who will certainly kill your creative vibes and stay on the North Side.
5.) Avoid someone who sleeps before midnight (they’re a prude):
Who actually sleeps before midnight? If a potential future roommate prefers to sleep before midnight, they also enjoy the following: kicking puppies, enjoying the calm presence of aged cats, pouring alcohol down the toilet, and calling the RA when they smell the slightest whiff of bud. Do yourself a favor and get a partying, debaucherous roommate. You’re welcome.
4.) Go rich or go broke:
So you decided to get an unfurnished apartment because the rent was cheaper—good idea, but now the idea of a couch and a dining room table seems outrageously unnecessary (this isn’t Ben Carson’s office!). Reach out to those wealthy, fashionable friends of yours and let them know that you would love to live together and that they get free range on how the place will look. If you choose right, the apartment will look like a combination of the Venice Streetwalk and visiting exhibitions at the Hammer—boho chic with a touch of class, and you still saved a buck you frugal fuck.
3.) Make them win your loyalty with food:
Who said UCLA students couldn’t be culinary artists? Find yourself a roommate that likes to cook (and is good at it) and watch grades improve from the extra time you saved (or spent playing Fortnite). You could even pick up a thing or two from them and become a chef yourself instead of wasting time at Le Cordon Bleu #sorrynotsorry. South Campus majors can’t cook either btw #sorrynotsorrypart2.
2.) If you’re a girl, find a doppelganger for fab, fit, and fun new clothes:
If you find a roommate who wears the same sizes and has the same style as you, bring her in, and say hello to two closets! Don’t have a cute dress for that party on Thursday? Don’t have a cute shirt for that presentation on Tuesday?No cute lingerie for that guy you’re going to bang tonight? No more worrying when your roommate has what you need. Those who share closets together, stay together.
1.) And if you’re a guy, find a roommate that will make secret code words with you to tell you the room is…occupied…for a bit:
What’s worse than your roommate walking in on you butt naked and balls deep? Nothing, there’s nothing worse. You must find someone who understands the bro code, the rules of masculinity, the aspects of domination. And that includes someone who will understand those “check the spot” moments.