Last week, freshman Jeff Lahey first noticed that his roommate Christopher Roberts, also a freshman, somehow had a senior enrollment pass time. In that moment, Lahey decided that there was only one obvious thing to do that would have the most minimal repercussions: he would he would have to kill his roommate, steal his identity, and feel the sweet release of enrolling in classes earlier than most everyone else.
“One day, I realized that with the time I spent wanting to be Christopher, I could just become Christopher,” Lahey said at Ronald Reagan this week. “At first I thought I could dress like him. I started wearing his clothes and blamed it on my other roommate, Wong. But it wasn’t enough. They say if you love something, let it go. And I loved Christopher. But, damn, I wanted that early enrollment.”
According to reports, Lahey set up a fake Tinder profile, using pictures of current UCLA student and Modern Family star Ariel Winter. That way, he would lure in a vulnerable Roberts.
Lahey attempted to reach out to the real Ariel Winter to poison Roberts, but she was too busy being harassed by the Daily Mail for pictures of her boobs.
On the day of Roberts’ enrollment time, he and “Ariel” planned to meet. They were going to picnic in the sculpture garden, as one does. Lahey knew he would have to strike soon. His desire for senior enrollment time had overwhelmed any semblance of humanity that remained.
To do so, Lahey urged Roberts to take a pull of Prestige with him to warm up for the big date, though, instead of Prestige, Christopher swallowed bleach.
“I made sure to get all of [Roberts’] passwords down,” Lahey said. “I wasn’t stupid,”
We reached out to Lahey’s caretakers at Ronald Reagan last week, and were only granted the interview so “Lahey would stop screaming his ‘perfect’ class schedule at the wall,” a security officer told us.
“Christopher was everything I wished I could be,” Lahey said from the confines of a strait jacket. “He was a [business economics] major, but he was actually smart. He had 180 units from high school. I don’t even know how that was possible, but he was my muse. Sponsored by Chubbies, Christopher had his own Youtube channel and four girlfriends in Kappa who all knew each other yet were somehow cool with it.”
Posing as Roberts, Lahey got the first spot in SCAND 50, STATS 10, and two chem labs, and felt, “unstoppable, like my life had dramatically changed for the better,” Lahey said.
All of that was until Lahey’s RA found Roberts’ body while doing room inspections.
“Honestly I was just gonna write him up for having a Keurig, but then I saw the dead body,” Lahey’s RA said.
Still, Lahey shows no remorse, even as he will inevitably spend life behind bars.
“It was worth it,” Lahey said. “My class schedule was a work of art.”
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