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Lambda Messes with ‘Fireball Wednesday,’ Creates Fireball Week

In response to dwindling Fireball Friday participants, Lambda Chi Alpha president Greg Jones hatched a nefarious plan to move Fireball Friday to Wednesday, with the addition of 200 gallons of gasoline and the abundance of lighters Lambda has in storage. 

That planned turned sour on Wednesday when the brothers “got lit” and “turned the fuck up,” promptly setting Southern California ablaze and creating, “Fireball Week,” the frat’s twist on the Skirball fire. 

Last month, Jones received word from the Lambda national chapter that weekly Fireball Fridays just weren’t bringing in the same freshmen crowds that “yearn for cinnamon whiskey” like they used to, prompting Jones to “think like a fuckin’ man” and move the event up to Wednesday. 

Yet, around 4 a.m. on Wednesday, Lambda “got lit,” and made a terrible fiery mistake that is currently ravaging Southern California. 

By 8 a.m. this morning, there was sufficient panic across campus, as Southern California seemed to be burning to the ground.

“Bro, we were just tryin’ to fuck some shit up,” Jones said. “Yeah, I mean, this shit’s bad, but like, damn, like that video of that fire? Holy fucking shit.”

When asked if the fraternity will be held responsible for the damage of the Skirball fire, Lambda’s national chapter president, Roy Herald, said, “fat fucking chance.” 

“Do you think if our boys had to pay for their actions every time they did something wrong we’d still be around?” Herald said. “Of course not. Now, throw your worries into the fire—my boys got the weekend to look forward to.” 

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