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7 On- and Off-Campus Locations Vastly Improved by Alcohol at UCLA

Between midterms and a terrible football season, UCLA students haven’t felt happiness in a long time, and we all know the best thing for horrific sadness is alcohol. But there just isn’t enough, as any post-1 a.m. frat party could tell you. Other times, there’s no alcohol at all—the anguish, the horror! Here are a few places that could do with some alcohol at UCLA. 

7.) Inverted Fountain:
The greatest curse in all of UCLA: NEVER touch the water of the inverted fountain or stay for another quarter! That’s easy, since nobody wants to touch water coming out of a toilet-shaped fountain. On the other hand, if that was a sea of Bourbon and beer, we would all take that curse happily ever Thursday night.

6.) BPlate Grab & Go:
Start your buzz every morning with UCLA’s BPlate Buzz & Barf, where nobody’s shaming you because they’re just as tired and confused as you! People who eat at Grab & Go definitely slept through their alarm and feel like shit because they didn’t wake up on time to eat their egg white omelette with spinach, and now they need some Quinoa Bourbon to drown their shame. Also, waking up for that Friday 9 a.m. sucks, and, honestly, you’re a little buzzed still.

5.) Young Research Library (YRL):
After an hour of studying in the reading room, you’re going to wish there was a cold beer to get you through the next ten minutes, or ten seconds, depending on your preferred form of consumption. With all the graduate students and their varied plethora of knowledge, that library might start sounding more like Drunk History.

4.) De Neve Dining Hall:
With their enormous TVs and never-ending fatty foods, a full-stocked bar just makes sense. This way, you can enjoy the lines, like at a festival, with your beer in one hand, while you wait for your third serving of chicken fried steak. And when the game isn’t going your way and you start yelling at the TV, people won’t know if it’s midterms of the top-shelf Scotch.

3.) Mathematical Sciences Building:
We already get on the fifth floor of the building, so being a bit more confused can’t hurt. Walk into Math 115A and suffer without any alcohol, or walk in with an IPA and make it numb your way through. You wouldn’t have understood anything anyway!

2.) Diddy Reise:
Is anybody else curious why Diddy Reise is cash-only? It’s definitely laundering somebody’s dirty cash. That being said, they could make so much more if they sold alcohol. Who hasn’t said at least once in their life: “You know what would go great with these chocolate chip cookies? A fucking margarita, bro.”

1.) The cross-section of Westwood and Wilshire:
Potentially the worst place in all of human existence. The traffic builds up here so quickly and so frequently, the pedestrians almost feel bad for them. The fruit street vendors could make an easy buck waiting at red lights and offering a shot to take the edge off. But don’t drink and drive, folks!

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