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Congrats on Oprah, USC—Won’t Live Up to Brad Delson We Had in 2009

So, you guys got Oprah for your commencement. No, really, a congrats are in order: You locked down Oprah Winfrey, one of the most powerful women on the planet and, potentially, the future President of the United States.  But guess what? IT’LL NEVER LIVE UP TO BRAD DELSON, GUITARIST FOR LINKIN’ PARK, WHO SPOKE AT UCLA’S COMMENCEMENT IN 2009. Why, you ask? Happy to tell you. 

5.) Brad Delson stripped down to a jersey and basketball shorts at commencement — will Oprah do that?: 


No, Oprah will not do that. You can’t predict the future, you won’t know what she’ll do! She. will. not. strip. down. to. a. basketball. jersey. The only thing she might strip down is her vocabulary for USC grads (burn), and the only USC-specific joke will probably been something plugging A Wrinkle in Time. YAWN! 

4.) Brad Delson wasn’t even the first pick to speak at commencement — he had to work for it: 


That’s right—Brad Delson was the third pick to speak, behind James Franco and Conan O’Brien. In a last-minute attempt to lock down someone, anyone, we got Delson, and boy oh boy, was he fuckin’ grateful. Oprah didn’t have to work for the commencement (for argument sake, please disregard her accomplishments as one of the most successful Black women in recent history), and Delson just showed what workhorses UCLA students are.  

 

 

3.) Linkin’ Park has sold tens of millions of albums — Oprah? Zilch:


Sorry, Oprah, but that’s super embarrassing. When Delson got on that stage, he knew he had more than 50 million sold albums backing him up. Oprah? She hasn’t recorded a single album in her life. We feel bad for any USC grad who has to watch Oprah stumble on her words as she thinks about how many albums she has, which, reminder, she has none. 

2.) Brad Delson told the audience he eats Eggo waffles, like a working man:



Working man Brad Delson told the graduating class he ate three Eggos and took a nap before speaking. What’ll Oprah do? Probably sit in the green room, and chow down on some O! That’s Good Garlic Mashed Potatoes, getting full on a healthy alternative to the classically-prepared dish and the thought of putting money back into her own pocket. 

1.) Didn’t think we had to go here — Brad Delson has better hair than Oprah. :
See below for obvious answers. 

 

 

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