With Dance Marathon a mere three weeks away, the Pediatric Aids Coalition (PAC) has begun implementing flyering techniques inspired by Viet Cong guerrilla warfare to recruit more dancers for the highly-anticipated event.
When asked what prompted this controversial shift from friendly flyering to quasi-assault, PAC president Jayne Bishop relayed her message: “Our PAC members’ aggressively colored yellow t-shirts and eerie ubiquity has not garnered as much support as it did in past years.”
“We did things like always, but we just weren’t hitting our quota,” Bishop said. “We looked to history for guidance and realized we really had no other choice but to ditch flyering and follow in Ho Chi Minh’s footsteps.” Then began the terror: the Pediatric Aids Coalition.
According to detailed reporting, members of the coalition were stationed in various foliage around campus and instructed to surprise pedestrians with a clipboard whilst screaming, “For the children!” Some chose to don full-body camouflage with bright yellow “PAC” emblazoned across their chest.
Early Tuesday morning, sophomore Jesse Ramirez fell victim to a coalition member, who appeared to be minding their own business, hiding in their calculator on his way to South Campus. The tactic took him by surprise. After defecating in his cargo shorts, Ramirez committed to 26 hours of dancing.
“Yeah, I shit my pants,” Ramirez reported.
By Thursday afternoon, PAC had expanded their approach, using human shields to plow through competing flyerers on Bruin Walk, an abrupt escalation from their formerly peaceful tactics. Campus echoed with shrieks of “For the children!”
Freshman Maya Sears witnessed a routine plow from the second floor of Kerckhoff on Friday afternoon. There were no reported casualties, but the victims have been diagnosed as “shook.”
When asked to recount the events of that day, Sears shuddered, rocking back and forth. “It was a bloodbath. You couldn’t tell who was who. Bottom-tier frats, those Asian kids selling bread, girl scouts—it didn’t matter. No one was safe.” Anything for the children.
After six days of scaring, crying, shitting and commandeering, the Pediatric Aids Coalition disclosed their skyrocketing numbers in a Facebook post: 4,000 students have signed up this week alone.
“We are so grateful for our members’ tireless training in the woods behind De Neve from 3 – 7 a.m. every day. It looks like all of our hard work has finally paid off! Remember, it’s all for the children!” the post read.