Bruin Walk: land of everyone you have ever regretted meeting and that middle-aged guy with a clipboard. Most UCLA students will have mastered the “see from afar, stare at your feet” maneuver by their second quarter, even as appealing as a conversation with a person literally moving the other direction may seem. After extensive research, we have compiled a comprehensive list of the most important figures to disregard on Bruin Walk.
6.) The guy you publicly mounted at a frat party your freshman year:
Avoid interacting, despite your insatiable desire to know what he’s taking this quarter. In reality, your first, post-incident interaction has two outcomes: unabashedly staring at each other until realizing “Oh shit it IS you” at two feet away from each other; or forcefully holding your gaze at the some engaging sight slightly to the right of him and into the distance.
5.) Your random roommate who eats hand lotion:
You got enough of her life updates from her 3 a.m. calls with her mom. Be smart, don’t engage.
4.) The girl you found puking in the Rocco’s bathroom:
Unfortunately for you, but fortunately for her, your drunkenly proclaimed “new best friend” probably does not remember the interaction. You’ve been reduced to a hazy memory sandwiched between tabletop grinding and an uncomfortable Uber home. Go ahead and cancel that shopping trip you planned for next weekend.
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3.) Your “best friend” unsuccessfully selling something random:
My apologies, inseparable best friend of 7 years, I don’t have any cash on me. Oh! You take Venmo? In that case, of course, I will spend $5 on a succulent that will die within the hour! And certainly to fund your club’s plight to change the world with its four members.
2.) The guy you accidentally matched with on Tinder:
It happens. You were on a roll and let Jason–age 24, avid fan of the puppy filter and Jesus–slip through the cracks. You didn’t respond to his unoriginal Ryan Gosling meme. No need to respond to his inquisitive stare.
1.) The kid who sent you notes for that 8 a.m. you never went to:
This is the guy who will speak directly in your face, fully aware of the headphones in your ears, audibly blasting the new Post Malone album. Give him the classic, half-assed wave, and pray he doesn’t face serious social repression and thinks it’s an invite to speak. As a matter of fact, just tuck your head in, put some pep in your step, and get out of there ASAP.
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