If you’ve always wanted to porcelain dethrone Gene Block, urine luck! Tinkling in these 8 strategic locations will eventually give you complete dominion and the chancellorship. Beat the Powell cat at his own game and scent mark your way across campus, psychologically conditioning people to fear your scent!
8.) Spaulding Field:
Head to Spaulding, where the UCLA football team practices, and make a pee trail to the end zone so the players can follow it and remember how to score a touchdown. Josh Rosen will personally thank you, and you’ll be the school hero!
7.) MOORE 100A front row aisle seat:
There’s no worse feeling than walking into class and seeing a jackass sitting in your go-to seat. Sure, seats aren’t technically assigned, but there’s an unspoken rule that he had the audacity to break. Next time, come to class early and ward off seat stealers with pee puddles. Students and professors will be so intimidated, you’ll bring a whole other meaning to “wiz kid.”
6.) Beta Theta Pi:
Stroll down Gayley and fi—wait, never mind. Frat houses are already heavily-guarded, established mating territories and smell like a weed monster’s excrement anyway.
5.) Bruin Plate:
Graffiti-pee the entrance to your favorite dining hall so that others sense you should always be first in line. Also, claim the most convenient locker and eating table. If you’re sadistic, go to Bruin Plate and exchange the bougie lemon-mint flavored water with lemon-asparagus “water.” You might think the smell or taste will discourage students from drinking it, but it’s BPlate. These dumbasses will consume anything if they think it’s healthy.
4.) Your dorm room:
You need your own private headquarters, so your roommate needs to go. Firehose pee that 180-square foot crawl space until it’s Bikini Bottom. Also, right before her class registration time, stream on her computer while she streams Netflix. If your room has one of those headache-inducing pumpkin spice air fresheners, you must make your pee superhuman. Drink coffee like it’s finals and eat asparagus like you’re a cannibal on VeggieTales to obtain the needed concentration and pungency.
3.) Janss Steps:
Make the death stairs even more deadly and create an extremely entertaining Slip ‘N Slide.
2.) Inverted Fountain:
Give the school its own golden shower! Ironically enough, this fountain was inspired by Yellowstone’s springs. Your very own yellow springs will lead freshmen to ponder whether this newly-colored fountain is a festive tradition or a new alcohol they need to try.
1.) Bruin Bear Statue:
You’ve drenched the whole school, so now it’s time for pure symbolism. Lubricate the Bruin Bear statue—what a power move—and your marking of territory is complete.
Now that you’ve sufficiently covered home base, team up with your friends and piss down USC until they’re under Category 5 hurricane watch. Once they evacuate, conquer and begin phase number 2: Defecation Annihilation.
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