Within just a week of UCLA’s in-house fraternity party ban, popular cheap vodka, Prestige, has declared bankruptcy.
In light of the recent chaos regarding the UCLA frat ban, Prestige consumption has fallen to a record low. Without frat parties and the men of Gayley Avenue, there’s just no one out there drinking Stige anymore.
In just days following the announcement, nearly all the Prestige from Ralph’s has disappeared, and the bottom shelf has gone untouched.
Bars have never seen more fake IDs, and the Rocco’s bouncers have began taking pieces of paper that say “I’m 21” to accommodate the overflow.
We attempted to call the Prestige headquarters to get more details, but the number had been disconnected. When we looked up the address, it was just a deserted lot in Fresno.
“I don’t miss it,” said one brother of Sig Chic, Dylan. “Now we have these cute little wine tastings. Chad brings artisanal cheese, and we get to talk about our feelings.”
Ryan of ZET also appeared to be excited about Prestige’s bankruptcy.
“I’ve been buying Tito’s now,” Ryan said. “I have about -$2,000 in my bank account, and it feels wrong, but it also feels so right.”
Some still wonder how the Prestige went under so quickly, and how it disappeared just as fast. According to an anonymous source, there’s a simple explanation.
“There’s a shack full of immigrants living under the Hitch suites that have been fermenting trash from the Sig Ne dumpster,” the source said. “That’s Prestige Vodka, which they’ve only been selling to the Westwood Ralph’s. When the frats stopped buying Stige, they lost their biggest and only market and had to stop production.”
We reconnected with this source later this week to ask them a few questions, mainly wondering if the production of Prestige would ever resume.
“Cancelling house parties isn’t enough to stop those guys,” our source disclosed. “Like a phoenix, they will rise from the ashes, just like how people who drank Prestige one night were able to walk the next day.”
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