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A Roast of UCLA Students, Especially The Ones Who Never Leave Powell

Students, it’s time for a much-needed self-evaluation, taking the form of a full-blown roast of UCLA. Your perpetually growing ego and closest friends will thank me later.

First of all, stop laying in literally ANY grassy plot of land. Good weather somehow warrants people willingly neglecting that incredible innovation—the “chair.”

Oh, you’re celebrating the three midterms you just had? How nice! I (read: the general student populous) go from those midterms to three more assignments due the next day! The last thing I need to see in the midst of my daily existential crisis is my fellow group of peers lounging in foliage, actively enjoying their college experience.

Secondly, if I see one more snapchat of Royce and/or Powell, I am going to take my exorbitant out-of-state tuition and start funding the impending human domination of Mars in hopes of escaping your daily updates. There is absolutely no need to remind your uninterested amalgamation of Snapchat acquaintances that you indeed go to a school laden with red brick! Leave the shameless self-promotion to your mom’s monthly Facebook posts.

On the topic of social media, you and your daily selfies need to accept the quarter system and move the hell on. Yes, “midterm szn” is upon us, and, yes, “quarter system had me like.”

But that has nothing to do with filtered-you in a bikini staring at the ground like, “Oh! A camera! I had no idea that handing my phone to a stranger after explicitly requesting a photoshoot would materialize into 300 slightly different pictures of me in these $400 scraps of fabric in front of a meningitis-infested foam pit!” You can’t have both.

Know anyone at one of these schools? 
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired! 

Michigan – $300 Referral Bounty

Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty 
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty 
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty

Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!

EASY MONEY!

Also, can we please get on the same page about campus attire? Half of you look like you just escaped a mental institution via an underground tunnel and the other half could reasonably be going straight from class to their mother’s fifth wedding in Palm Springs.

In my opinion, there is no conceivable rationale to show up to your 8 a.m. rat dissection in heeled booties and a red lip, but I guess there is a .0004% chance that one of your 14 YouTube subscribers could spot you on campus, so best do your best to impress.

Last but not least, we need to rethink this whole studying thing. If we all collectively agree to study a reasonable amount, teachers will be forced to increase the curve and decrease expectations.

I am tired of keeping up with bookish automatons that spend six hours a day at Powell and listen to podcasts for fun. We are wasting our youth in YRL study pods memorizing arbitrary bullshit that we purge from our brains every ten weeks to make space for more arbitrary bullshit!

Together, we can reserve Adderall for sobering up and pull all-nighters to facilitate actual human interaction!

Yours Roasting,
A Fellow Student

 

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