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Rocco’s Starts New Security Policy: ‘Low Self-Esteem & Vape Dads Only’

In light of the never-ending frat ban, thousands of begrudgingly dry UCLA students have been forced to migrate to Rocco’s, which is under new management and has changed security policy: from now on, the bar will only accept “Vape Dads and girls with low self-esteem”– a far cry from the previous washed up frat stars that have taken over Rocco’s.

The sorority population has mixed feelings about the new rules.

“What’s the point of paying $30k a year when you can’t guzzle Prestige like a newborn baby drinking mother’s milk?” one soroity sister asked. “Why wake up if you’re not waking up to your drunken hookup’s poster of Jordan Belfort? But, that’s why God brought us Rocco’s. I just wish it was like the old days.” 

Due to the crowds, Rocco’s manager Jim, decided to invent a new algorithm for choosing who is welcome in the last worthwhile drinking establishment in Westwood.

“If you’re a guy, you have to pass a literacy test, like Alabama in 1964. It’s only fair,” Jim told us. “Then you have to jump through this fiery hoop while doing the 8-clap to test physical agility.

“But, on the bright side,” Jim continued, “we’ll be more accepting of students who all claim to be 25-year-olds from Illinois.” 

Then, he disclosed why the new rules seem to favor the unattractive, non-fraternity elite.

“Yeah, to be honest we were just sick of Rocco’s turning into a knockoff of the Beta dancefloor,” Jim disclosed to us. “We’re a classy establishment for christsake. Our AMFs are made with top-notch bottom-shelf vodka.”

And, as to the reasoning of the new priority admits to the bar, Jim said, “Me and my team know that the vape dads aren’t going to try to steal our girls. They’re here for a good time not a long time–literally.”

We asked how he would ensure the low self-esteem element of the new rules.

“We plan to only let in the girls who can bring us a midterm grade of less than 70. That way we know they’re here to drink to forget.”

Since implementing the new policy, Rocco’s has seen a 25% drop in douchey guys requesting to play “Stacey’s Mom.”


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