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Shit You’re Definitely Too Old For at UCLA

As the new generation of baby Bruins walk onto campus eager to experience college to its fullest, there’s a new class of geezers so tired of the college scene they’re already in bed at 8 p.m. After three indelible years in Westwood, you’ve learned how to shotgun a Four Loko, and you’ve also learned you won’t make it bed, let alone your 11 a.m., after doing so. Here’s some shit you’re definitely too old for at UCLA: 

5.) The epic journey to the Rose Bowl:
The 35-mile trek across Los Angeles is no bullshit. The arthritis-ridden knees of fourth-year students can’t walk up the hills of Westwood, let alone wait in line for the router bus without buckling underneath them. Instead of warm beers under the beating Pasadena sun, the baby-boomer Bruins look on from the sofa sipping their gin and tonic between bites of tapioca pudding. Enjoy your $18-stadium hot dogs freshie.

4.) Midnight Stumbles to Fat Sal’s:
You can probably remember that first Fat Texas to grace your lips at 2:17 a.m. after a night at Sig Nu, but as the years have passed, no longer can your refined palate accept the deadly concoction of jungle juice and gallons of grease. We all remember being perfectly drunk, eating a sandwich, and waking up with a soggy fries on our pillow…right? Stick to your hearty, meal-prepped vegan bowls to avoid the daily glasses of prune juice.

3.) Greek Soirées on Gayley:
Why spend an hour persuading security that your name was left off the list to drink one Keystone Light while Brad from ZBT criticizes your lats, when you can just stroll into Rocco’s, order a whiskey on ice, and enjoy the weekly bingo game with your fellow seniors? Double priced drinks are a small price to pay to ensure you don’t get 6-10 years for hitting on Heather from A-Phi.

2.) Flyers on Bruin Walk:
By the time winter quarter of any Bruin’s second year rolls around, wandering up Bruin Walk to class is taboo. Being pestered by people trying to ban abortions and fracking on your way to class becomes a thing of the past. No more “pre-med? Pre-health? Off-campus resident? Cookies? My first-born child? Did you know switching to GEICO could save you 15% or more?” You’re too old for that shit.

1.) ONLY Thirsty Thursdays:
When the aches and pain that arrive with coming of age start to take their toll, liquor is the best cure. Wine Wednesday? Haha, that’s cute. More like wine at noon with the girls. Fireball Fridays? That’s precious. Fourth-years stay sipping tequila on the rocks with the boys at the beach. Instead of only reserving Thursday as your day of choice to unload your vices on Gayley or WeHo, a glass of scotch becomes a daily activity.

And, if you made it to the bottom of this list, congrats! Your ability to read at your old age has not escaped you yet. 

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