On the first day of spring quarter, a day usually known for joy and untapped potential, the brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma* shamefully begged for money on the streets of Gayley in an attempt to “bail some of our brothers out of Mexican jail” after being banned from Cabo—for good this time.
When asked why they continued spending one of the best days for Beer Die begging like overgrown Oliver Twists in matching Vineyard Vines, Brother Vincent shook his head and asked for change.
Looking sunburned and lifeless, Brother Ryan divulged that the entire frat, along with the majority of UCLA greek life, has been told to never return to Cabo again.
“This is bullshit,” Ryan said. “The entire reason we left UCLA was so that we could act like sick, depraved beasts without having to deal with party regulations. The chance of being reprimanded really takes the fun out of reducing myself to my basic animalistic sexual drives”
Apparently, the damage to Cabo’s infrastructure, economy, and dignity as a popular vacation venue caused by UCLA frats was unlike anything the country of Mexico had seen before (and they’ve seen a lot of shit).
“Honestly, I’m pretty sure we bought enough cheap drugs to put El Chapo out of business,” said Brother Chad. “I just feel bad for the dickheads that got caught with them.”
Chad took a knee for his fallen brothers and not because he’d been iced.
Local Tri-Alpha* sorority president Anna claims to have been diagnosed with PTSD after returning from Cabo.
“You wouldn’t believe how many boob luges I had to see,” Anna said. “I had to watch the same guys I knew from class basically have sex in the Mexican ocean. I can’t see a Chubbies and a pocket tee without hyperventilating.” The damage, it seems, has gone further than just the Mexican people and their pristine vacation resorts.
“I’m just surprised we were actually held accountable for our actions,” vented Chad. “First IFC, now Mexico. And on spring break? Is fun dead?”
When asked what they did, Chad just said, “Nothing bro, we don’t ever do anything bad.”
*We hid all Greek Life names to avoid the public shaming associated with being reprimanded by an entire country.