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UCLA Announces Goal to Finish Construction by 2091

Students and workers were overjoyed to learn that campus construction will be finalized within the next 75 years. The newly appointed date is 20 years earlier than the previous deadline.

The plan was announced after Chancellor Gene D. Block had a moment of inspiration, while arranging potted plants in his office. “A brilliant idea hit me,” said Chancellor Gene D. Block “Why not ditch my succulent farming ambitions, and instead focus all attention toward remodeling the entire campus of this highly accredited institution?”

Unfortunately, the change in deadline required a few sacrifices. The University was forced to ditch the development of a driving range and solid gold fountain. “It’s not the same without the golden fountain,” said Chancellor Gene D. Block, dejectedly clutching the blueprints, using the rejected papers as a handkerchief to wipe his tears.

In early January, the Wasserman Football Center will finish construction. The renovations will feature an Under Armour outlet store, a McDonald’s, and a spacious locker room for Josh Rosen to fit 10 of his finest hot tubs. In addition to these changes the practice field will have large letters painted on it that will read “FUCK SC”, in order to give the team constant uplifting motivation while practicing.

During the height of finals, 500 bulldozers will arrive on campus to aid construction efforts. However, only five workers are certified to operate the machinery. The remaining 495 bulldozers will idly wait their turn, parked throughout the UCLA grounds. Once the bulldozers arrive, entering the campus by foot will no longer be an option. UCLA encourages students to purchase a small aircraft, in addition to necessary textbooks. A landing strip will be situated outside the Wasserman Football Center, allowing students and athletes to safely enter campus.

In 2018, a replica of an ancient Mayan Temple will be built on the roof of De Neve Dining Hall. Students walking through the De Neve Plaza must wear hard hats to avoid injury caused by falling debris.

Touring the Mayan Temple will be $10.00 cash or will be billed to your BruinBill.

Despite minor protests, construction workers were thrilled by the prospect of hitting the dusty road home a little early. “For a while we sort of forgot what we were doing, so we just started shuffling piles of dirt around to occupy time,” said one construction worker. “With the new deadline there’s a chance I may get to retire before the beginning of the 22nd century.”

While some remain dissatisfied by the constant construction on campus, few can deny that a quick 75 years is worth the wait. Some students say that UCLA really stands for “Under Construction Like Always”. With the extra walking time, students can reflect on what a gorgeous campus this will be long after they’re dead and graduated.

 

The Black Sheep UCLA is hiring, apply now!

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