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UCLA Bans Frat Parties Because, Shocker! They’re Literal Nightmares

On Wednesday, the Interfraternity Council (IFC) voted to suspend all frat parties indefinitely. When asked to comment at a press conference, the IFC president looked into the distance, pointed at something toward the back of the room, then darted away before anyone could see where he went. 

Luckily, The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to talk to Brad from SEA about the issue.

“I’m just shocked,” Brad said. “I was told Rich’s dad, a lawyer, was handling it.”

According to an official statement by the IFC, the ban was put in place to halt future bad behavior until the council could come up with stricter bylaws.

According to Brad, the frats actually have never done anything wrong.

“If getting girls drunk to have sex is a crime, consider me guilty,” Brad told reporters. When told that the described behavior could in fact constitute a crime, Brad responded, “I’m just joking, bro.”  

Justin, a Sic Elp pledge had this to say: “Honestly, dude, I’m just fucking panicking about all this extra Stige we bought. I know this shit is toxic and won’t expire for another 2,000 years, but the brothers are gonna make the pledges drink it all if we can’t have a party.”

Pledges were unable to comment.

As for other frats, panic has begun to settle in. Rumors spread that Ethan from Alpha actually considered going to his 8 a.m. econ class.

When we reached out to a source close to Ethan, he was reportedly breaking tables, sobbing and attempting to say, “It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

Even BZT, the token shithole, is reportedly cleaner than ever, with strange fluid levels at an all-time low.

Whether the ban will be lifted is still up in the air. However, one pervading truth remains: the men of Strathmore and Gayley are still confused about whether or not they did anything wrong.


Honestly, we’re not shocked that a house full of guys did something wrong…

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