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UCLA Dining Halls Develop Controversial Program to Target Sneaky Food Smugglers

While leaders of other leading American universities face problems of racial discrimination and sexual assault on campus, UCLA faces perhaps a graver issue: an increase in food smuggling from campus dining halls.

“The trend we’ve seen from students is a blatant disregard for the rules of taking food from dining halls,” says UCLA Director of Dining. “The past couple years, we’ve had hundreds of dollars of losses from students stealing food. It’s unbelievable.”

“Although eating food from De Neve sends me into a spiral of self-resentment, I just can’t stop myself from shoveling 15 white chocolate raspberry cookies into my pants so I can eat them later, specifically when I’m blasted and emotional in my dorm room,” said a UCLA sophomore, who preferred to remain anonymous. “The food is so shitty for my body, but so good for my soul. So I just take it. No regrets. Try and have them stop me.”

UCLA’s Director of Dining met with school administration last week, and they have established a bold proposal on limiting the amount of food unlawfully taken from dining halls.

“UCLA has been collaborating with the Los Angeles Police Department on possible resolutions to the crisis,” said an administrator. “We think we have a pretty solid plan to counteract the domestic terrorism that’s plaguing our school.”

The resolution, called Operation SOFT (Save Our Food from Thieves) would increase police oversight around dining halls. Officers plan to survey students walking in and out of dining halls and, using x-ray binoculars, determine which students are smuggling food out in bags or on their person.

“Officers will be armed with sniper rifles, and those who deem students to be breaking the law by smuggling food out of dining halls will be required to terminate the student,” said the Chief of LAPD. “UCLA and the LAPD feel as if this gentle reminder will push the rest of the student body on the right track, even if it is at the expense of a few students. Taxpayers are tired of funneling money into a system that just gives out food to greedy students.”

UCLA President of Finance expects this program to cost more than the amount the state of California spends on the UC system as a whole.

When asked about potential fallout from parents over possible injury or death to students, a UCLA administrator said, “We deeply feel as though parents would side with us. UCLA knows that eradicating food smuggling is of the utmost importance to parents, and hope they can understand that this may cost the lives of one, two or twelve students.”

“LAPD understands that this can be a bit drastic,” continued an LAPD officer, “but we classify food smuggling among the highest forms of delinquency.”  

When informed of Operation SOFT and asked if he or she still feels inclined to smuggle food from dining halls, the anonymous sophomore responded as expected:

“Fuck nah.”

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