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UCLA Freshman Considers Repeating First Year for ‘Full Frat Experience’

Many pledges, like SAA pledge Alex Wright, were given one quarter of degenerate bliss before their ability to scheme on girls who are eight shots deep was fatally ripped away. Being the insufferable freshmen garbage he is, Wright has decided to repeat his freshman year to have the full frat experience.

“I’m a slut for pain,” Wright said. “I want to relive being a pledge so badly. It honestly turns me on. Being forced to display my hypermasculinity by chugging a handle in front of my brothers–I thirst to have that again.”

Wright will end his freshman year with a 1.7 GPA. “You accept the GPA you think you deserve,” Wright tells us, “and I am definitely the human equivalent of a 1.7.” Wright’s shit GPA will result in academic probation and a forced repeat of freshman year.

There is one downside. Wright, like most of the other freshman pledges, has been slowly losing his shit since the frat ban was first implemented.

“My tolerance is destroyed,” Wright admits. “These days, I just catch a whiff of 82% isopropyl rubbing alcohol and I’m on my ass.”

When asked how he felt about paying thousands of dollars just to be hazed, Wright, in a battered, hushed tone, whispered, “I didn’t plan on paying dues just for this sausage party.”

Wright tells us frat culture has plummeted into the depths of upper-middle class mediocrity.

“We all sit around throwing back LaCroix pretending it’s Natty Light,” Wright said. “My mandated workouts aren’t even fun anymore, because what’s the point? Allie from Kappa isn’t going to see me if we’re not having weekly throwbacks.”

Naturally, we had to ask Wright if he was upset about having to wait another year to graduate. “Honestly dude, I’m going to be useless in the real world. If I can have four more years of getting high off of validation from fellow actives, that’s alright with me.”

Although, with the half-assed return of frat parties this week and the implementation of new rules such as carding freshmen, many aspiring frat stars have been left shocked and upset with the state of affairs.

“I’m still just pissed about the ban,” Wright said. “I wanted to be the problem–now I’m just an unwitting victim.”

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