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UCLA Men’s Settles For Beating The ‘Smart Schools’ For Rest of Season

Like gym teams in elementary school, UCLA men’s basketball only has the capability of beating the teams full of nerds, as shown by their two-game win streak over Cal Berkeley and Stanford.

After increasingly embarrassing losses these past few weeks, UCLA finally came back with a win against Cal Berkeley on Thursday and beat Stanford by an even-wider margin on Saturday. 

“After three straight losses to Colorado, Oregon State and whatever other school is in Oregon, we reevaluated our team’s strategy and went into the Cal game knowing we could beat up on some nerds,” said UCLA head coach, Steve Alford. “Hey, it worked. Though, with USC coming up on Saturday, we have quite the challenge awaiting us.” 

Some local fans seem upset about the team’s lack of success this season. 

“No Ball brothers, no offense, barely any defense, and people hyperextending their own knees to stay on the bench and keep the glory days alive,” said local UCLA fan, Henry Rowengartner. “We couldn’t beat unranked Colorado; we couldn’t even beat Oregon STATE—and that’s not even the good Oregon school.”

With the generous bankroll provided by The Black Sheep, we sent a reporter to Lithuania to ask the infamous Ball family what they thought of UCLA’s team. 

Father of the boys, LaVar Ball, showed great excitement to comment.

“UCLA? That trash hole hasn’t been important since I told Donald Trump he was a fat orangutan, or something like that. That Hands boy looks like what Willow Smith would look like playing basketball—and people call him the next Zo, HA!”

LiAngelo declined to comment, explaining that he had his tongue stolen in China, as punishment for his “incident.”

Back in Los Angeles, Pauley Pavilion was empty on Monday morning, as it’s expected to be the rest of the week, sources close to the team said. Alford, the team’s head coach, said that in order to beat the nerds “you have to become a nerd.”

The team will be drawing up flash cards and conducting study circles in Powell Library for the rest of the week in preparation for Saturday’s crosstown rivalry game. 

“All we’ve got now is a bunch of frilly nerds who can barely play ball,” Alford said. “There is one bright side to that win against Cal, though—it’s a great reminder that, yes, in everything, you’re number two to UCLA.” 


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