We’ve all had that one roommate: the one we tell stories about, who treats every night like Thursday night, who has such freaky sex you need a crucifix and a priest just to walk in the room again. This is the same person who slept through their midterms because their Poli Sci classes don’t believe in grades, had the audacity to ask you to turn the lights off while you were getting ready to go to class, and dropped their class because it was an 8 a.m. in Public Affairs. How can you burn that bridge as the year comes to a close?
6.) Drop off weekly STD tests:
They sexiled you every three-and-a-half days, so do them a favor and make sure they’re clean with weekly STD tests from Ashe. Even better: put the test on their door, and write their name on it. Don’t say who it’s from, though. Guardian angels are the most helpful when anonymous!
5.) Play up your drug addiction:
You smoked in the Sculpture Garden on 4/20, and now your roommate only knows you as that kid who gets too high to function after one joint. Shock them by sharpieing black dots onto your arm and leaving some old insulin needles lying around. Add some character to the performance by constantly slapping the inside of your arm when you see them.
4.) Put them on Craigslist:
What better way to get rid of a roommate than by making money of them? Put them on Craigslist, watch the offers flood in, oh, and bonus points if you make the person buying drive all the way to UCLA from a far-off land. Double bonus bonus points if they own a shady side business.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Iowa State – $300 Referral Bounty
Minnesota – $300 Referral Bounty
New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
Click here to DM our Twitter and we’ll take it from there!
3.) Hop on the Trump Train:
Make Your Social Circle Great Again! Keep all sorts of Trump paraphernalia in your backpack so you can whip it out at a moment’s notice. This includes items like: a Confederate flag (to wrap around yourself on Bruin Walk), a signed MAGA poster, a white-stained Tomi Lahren poster, and a bright red MAGA hat. Make sure to really commit, unless you’re a fucking Commie. Throw up a giant “Don’t tread on me” flag just for the hell of it too.
2.) Make a wig out of their hair caught in the shower drain:
Pretty self-explanatory! Nothing will freak a person out more than seeing an old roommate on Bruin Walk wearing some half-glued hairpiece abomination. Just imagine their horror when they walk down the hallway with their friend and see you whipping a body-pube-stress-hair wig.
1.) Instead of sexiling them, have them join in on the fun!:
You know how badly sexiles sting, so ask them to film it instead! This is a pretty solid bonding exercise, and it could be just the kick you guys need to rediscover that roommate spark.
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