Finals is in full swing, you’re outside Kerckhoff, a tour group rocks on through, and your blood pressure goes skyrocketing—we all know the feeling. The tour guide is talking about Shorts Club, where they wear shorts 365 days a year, and 20 fresh-faced high school seniors look around, full of hopes and dreams. They don’t think about graduating on time, or about the lack of professors who actually speak English. So what can we, the current UCLA student body, do to help them? Stop them from coming here in the first place by crashing the tour group in these four fun ways!
4.) Really reinforce the “class size dynamic”:
Bring 200 people on the tour so that they really get the small-village classroom experience. Make sure that they really understand how it feels to have a question in a lecture hall: Whenever someone asks a question, have all 200 people turn and look at them simultaneously, while they pick out all of their deepest insecurities. Teach the all-time classic “How the fuck does this kid not understand it?” face. Let the bright-eyed high schoolers feel the panic and dread set in, as they realize their irrelevance.
3.) Show the REAL BruinWalk:
We all know the drill. The tour guide takes you up BruinWalk and talks about how there are students flyering all the time. Nobody mentions the skateboarders bombing down the hill with absolutely zero regard for human life, or the Bird riders whizzing by. With all this traffic, it’s only one accident away from our own little 405. Have them ride a Bird, with 100% safety, but without a helmet; give them that beautiful feeling of a $100 fine for a $2 ride.
2.) Heckle the tour guide, mercilessly:
Remember when the tour guide saw a friend on campus and had a conversation, leaving you amazed? “Wow, the community at this school is outstanding,” you certainly thought! But, we, the emotionally-distraught students all know that is not the case. Instead of having a good conversation with the tour guide, heckle them. “You don’t know UCLA if you’ve never taken a line off a toilet in a frat house!” you’ll yell, and watch the parents whip around in horror. Rest easy knowing you’ve saved a whole class of people from Daddy Gene’s clutches.
1.) Demonstrate the social aspect:
What’s the best way to show how good UCLA’s social scene is? Do it live for the new freshmen. Obviously you can’t bring them into a frat house, so bring the frat house to them. Organize a flash mob, have everyone yike to “Rake It Up” in the middle of the group, and get the people to start getting dirty. Once everyone’s vibing, make it a real LA party, and just start handing out random pills and water bottles so people get the full experience!
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