Finding a company that’s willing to employ you is tough. In this age, instead of working for a paycheck, we support our hungover acai bowl habits by being an Instagram influencer or fitness blogger (like this Angeleno). If you’re ready to abandon the childhood dreams you’ve desperately been crawling toward and instead settle with selling your soul to Muscle Milk and cheap endorsements, Fitness Instagramming is for you. Here’s how to do it the right way.
8.) Get sponsored by a dating app:
Let everybody know that not only are you fit, but you also have sex. Sport some dating app merch at the gym and tag your Instagram posts #ad to show people that you’re an entrepreneur, and, intrinsically, better than them. Bonus points for thinking outside of the box and landing that sponsorship from Grindr or, shit, maybe Omegle.
7.) Chase with green juice:
Mix work and play with this sporty spin on the Ralphs’ “big fizz cola” and “orange drink” by chasing your Prestige with pressed juice.
6.) Have your abs make a cameo in every post:
The key to fitness Instagrams is consistency; make sure that your slightly-burnt-orange tinted airbrushed abs make their way into every post, even the funeral post for your late grandmother.
5.) Enhance your appearance in any way possible:
Do. What. It. Takes. Spray tan? Fuck yeah. Manicure? It has man in the name, anyway. Wax your legs? You betcha. Dye your happy trail? Why the hell not. If it makes you look sexier, it’s damn-well worth it.
4.) Create various fan accounts for yourself:
Let the plebeians know that you’re the real deal by establishing your own fanbase. Pay some Russian bots to promote your Instagram by reposting your old pictures with 600 hashtags. Some suggestions: #man #body #gains #big #legday #sexy #hot #fitnessguru #weights #pump #armveins #me #cool.
3.) Give your fans a clever but intrinsically painful nickname:
Just rip off SoulCycle mantras and everybody will be none the wiser. Be sure to reference “cult” or “tribe” to get the people going.
2.) Teach your followers a new skill:
Let your followers know that you’re a real Renaissance man by promoting your other useful skills, such as cat calling or calligraphy. It also lets future sponsors know that you mean business.
1.) Use your loved ones as props:
Finally, let the people who really matter in your life know that they are nothing but puppets on the stage of your existence. Use your girlfriend to make you look better. Use your dad to make you look younger. Shit, nothing’s off limits on a fitness Instagram.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: