You worked hard for your Cabo body last quarter: you went to Bfit once to pee before class, skipped out on that 8th taquito, and walked to Rocco’s to drink your weight in AMF’s. With Spring Break behind you, it’s time to re-motivate. With the help of these tips, maybe this time you can resist the unwavering pull of man-boobage for more than a week.
7.) Fit in a couple bicep curls during Edward Fortyhands:
These will be slightly more effective toward the beginning of your inevitable descent into drunken self-annihilation. If the sobriety wagon came hours ago, waited patiently for you to decide to take a night off, and left without you, resort to the up and down hand motion you’ve been perfecting twice a day in your bedroom for the past 10 years.
6.) Buy a size smaller in Hawaiian shirts:
Wear it to every single event—despite the extremely specific theme! If the sound your makeshift bunk bed makes when you get in isn’t incentive enough to make you despise yourself post-spring break, every ounce of beer belly certainly should be.
5.) Upgrade your dancing from a subtle fist pump to a full body thrust:
While your Wonderwall remix bopping has a 20% success rate among girls with daddy issues, it might be time for a revamp. To perfect this move, try imitating the classic full-body recoil when someone says Lambda is top house.
4.) Do a squat for every family you irreparably scarred in Cabo:
Little Jimmy now knows exactly where he will be in 10 years: on a “booze cruise” in Cabo, thighs bulging out of the Chubbies he bought when he played sports; an arm wrapped around a sorority girl who only came for the Geotag, and a body alcohol content that could tranquilize an elephant. The everlasting damage is done.
3.) Chase Prestige with pressed juice:
Nothing washes away the taste of rubbing alcohol like liquefied spring-fresh Brussel sprouts! Make sure to pour the juice in a Red Bull can beforehand to avoid being labeled “soft” by your esteemed peers.
2.) Walk to Wooden exclusively for ‘arm day’ mirror pics:
A must because photographic documentation means it happened, despite the glaring fact that the only thing you lifted was your waistband to achieve maximum bulge in your Snap story. Odds are you broke a sweat on the walk there and rightfully earned a Bird home.
1.) Carry your shacker to Hilgard instead of making her walk home in a slutty alien costume:
It serves as both extra cardio and an overwhelmingly confusing gesture for the girl you have no intention of pursuing. Call her the wrong name when you say goodbye to re-establish the boundaries you will continue to blur Thursday night after Thursday night.