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The 5 Best Places to Fart at UConn (Because They Already Smell Like Farts)

Science says that people “pass gas” 14 times per day. That’s 14 opportunities every single day to show somebody you hate them without ever opening your mouth. Think about it: UConn isn’t the healthiest place, the food around here will have you clenching your cheeks within minutes. But you can’t just let some slip out on your way to class. The wind tunnel doesn’t allow farts to reach their full potential. But don’t worry, here’s a list of places to drop some memorable flatulence. Seize the day!

5.) Arjona:
Arjona is basically a large public bathroom. It smells of COMM majors who haven’t showered since last week, and professors who don’t smell any better. Most mornings the hallways are lined with students sitting on the dirty ass floor spread eagle, ready to fire at a moment’s notice. Walking down the halls is a serious health hazard, and is the UConn equivalent to the 7-mile spanking line, but with farts.

But the part that makes Arjona so great is that it’s a safe bet. Rip ass all day! People will just think it’s the building.

4.) The tailgate buses:
These buses represent far more than free transportation to watch the UConn football team get embarrassed. They’re UConn’s finest cesspool, and the land of Tito’s in Poland Spring bottles held by girls who cut their favorite shirts into headbands, but still use them as shirts. But much like Arjona, it’s a safe bet. If you want to do this right, sit in the front. As you exit the bus, bless the other riders with a textbook crop dust. Or you can just take an actual shit in the isle. It’s a bold move, but still effective.

3.) The bursar’s office:
So you want to see how your life savings is doing. Most Huskies make their school payments using the online bursar’s office, but there is a real one. It’s a dark place full of middle-aged women and empty wallets. Technically you pay for a part of these people’s salaries, so you should be able to do whatever the hell you want in that office, i.e. letting a fart loose to make their day somewhat interesting.

2.) The Rec Center:
Has the Rec Center ever not smelled like ass? The staff runs about 50 people deep, but zero of them might be actual cleaning staff. Sure they man every single door like secret service, but have they actually ever done a single thing? The only thing that makes sense is that they take their odor as their oath, and dedicate themselves to the lowest standard of sanitization. We wouldn’t be surprised if they haven’t cleaned any of the equipment since 1976. As the student staff strives for mediocrity, feel free to fart hard and often as they are among the least helpful group of people in the world. Honestly, the Rec smells so bad, you’d think farts would make it smell better. Okay then, time to shine.

1.) School of business:
It already reeks of Ponzi schemes and unwashed Patagonia, so why not add to it? Just be careful, as soon as the door opens everyone within sight will freeze and say, “who do you know here?” Make your way through the JUUL clouds, and fart every time a business major tells a pointless story about themselves. There you have it, the very first farting game.

There are no limits here. Make UConn your bitch and don’t hold back. What’s the worst that could happen? Maybe you let a turd slip out, but that sounds like a you problem. 

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