With the recent news that UConn may have to forego $300 million from our budget, it seems only right that we as UConn students should step up help our school. The following are just some of the ways that we as students and administrators can help raise money and uphold the sanctity and respect of our beloved university and ourselves.
5.) Outright panhandling:
The expression “Brother, can you spare a dime?” is one you are hopefully familiar with, as asking for 3 billion dimes might seem like an overkill. Panhandling is one of the oldest hobbies state universities are known for, because what is a state budget if not shaking down the taxpayers and alumni for more money? So why shouldn’t we do the same? It’s your duty as both a UConn student and an American to go out on Fairfield Way and collect every cent you can. Also it helps if you imply that you or preferably a younger sibling is dying, but you didn’t hear that here.
4.) Have Lil Uzi actually do a show:
A lot of people still bow into a solemn silence when the lost performance of Lil Uzi last spring becomes the topic of conversation. It caused mass hysteria when yo bro turned no-show, but why don’t we use this as an advantage? Uzi clearly owes us one after his five minute heads up absence, and people would pay good money for Uzi even if it wasn’t going to a good cause. If were down $300 million, most of that could be made up for by even just one concert.
3.) Make Gampel into an AirBnB:
You’ve seen the giant arena and can tell that it’s nice and big and cozy. For the price of one or maybe two mattresses depending on the size of the person, we could turn that circle in half court into the perfect place for someone to stay the night. The one setback is the threat of being robbed, but watching them try to steal that scoreboard suspended from the ceiling would be worth it.
2.) Auction off the student laborers:
You, like everyone, have a crush on some random UConn student laborer. Maybe it’s that girl who wraps your burrito, or that guy who comes and unlocks your door when you lock yourself out, or maybe that other girl who wraps your burrito (there’s so many of them). Well now would be your chance to finally go out with them in exchange for money. Let’s have a good ol’ fashioned bachelor/ette auction where every UConn student laborer shows up (in uniform) and we all vie for their affection with fistfuls of cash. Who knows? Maybe no one else likes the worker you like and you’ll get them for cheap. Or maybe you’re just rich. Either way, you get your burrito wrapped one way or another and Geno doesn’t have to give up his salary.
Susan, you’re definitely reading this, so hear this out before you say no. There’s a time-old tradition where students buy a cheap car and charge exuberant amounts of money in exchange for other kids to take a swing at it. You have a mansion you hardly use, which makes this is a very lucrative opportunity. $100 a swing at the walls, $500 to hit the furniture, $2000 to smash your mailbox. The ball is in your court like the hammer will be in your infrastructure, and hopefully you will agree to what is right for your school. This is 100% serious, and you should get back to us at your earliest convenience.
There are no other ways for us to save the school, so we urge you all to go out and beg people for money by the schools, date a school employee, and take a swing at the president’s mansion (patent pending). Hopefully those cuts won’t go through and we can avoid this, but now we have these in the pocket just in case.
Need something to do while you balance the budget? Listen to our GIRL POD: