You’ve heard of Humans of New York, but have you ever heard about the (non) humans of Storrs, CT? This is our hot take on the popular photo blog, but it’s here in the streets of the UConn. We interviewed some of the statues located around campus in order to investigate and explore the true lives of these forgotten and neglected gems. Here’s a look at UConn’s unconventional celebrities.
5.) “Möbius Solaris” on the Student Union Lawn:
“Could you do me a favor and capture my good side? If you move a little to the left I literally emit the rays of a rainbow. My metal structures shine like a perfectly chiseled jaw. Wow, I can’t believe you’re wearing that to your 8 am. Honestly I look so good right now. I should be in the yearbook. I’ve really glowed up since freshman year. I’m definitely the most beautiful person on the Student Union lawn right now.”
4.) “Slip Edge Bis” near Wilbur Cross :
“Yo, I can do the worm, watch. If you stand on me, you can bounce me up and down. If you sleep on IKEA furniture, I can also be utilized as a great bed for cuddling with your significant other. If you’re really high or kind of buzzed, I make a great playground. Instead of going to Ted’s, or drowning your sorrows in Mirror Lake, just get really bamboozled and pretend I’m an edgy bouncy castle. I’m honestly down for whatever.”
“Don’t really know what I am, I’m not like other boys, kind of like that guy that shows up to parties with a guitar and plays “Wonderwall.” Bruh, the traffic around here is hell, with the construction and everything and everyone taking that detour to North Eagleville Rd? Everyone’s always getting food around here with all their guitar and French horn cases and I’m starving. I just want a cappuccino from Dog Lane and a burrito from Moe’s. I haven’t eaten in years.”
2.) Dove Tower and Steps to the Bottom of a Pyramid” near Homer Babbidge:
“I know I seem like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, but I’m fake news. I am actually a death trap, a safety hazard. Brave skater boys try to pop some ollies and skate up on me. I am not a skate park and these steps were made for walking. Sometimes when it’s super windy the tower that seems like it’s about to fall down on you, actually really does seem like it’s about to crush you while you walk to Homer B. Watch out, Huskies.”
1.) The Sleeping Woman near Wilbur Cross:
“Why are you all up in my face trying to ask me questions? Ugh, are you vaping? Gross. I’m tired. I just want to nap. I don’t have time for your bullshit. I just got back from the tailgate and I’m so hungover. Gonna hit the snooze button real quick. I’m trying to rally this weekend, I’m going to Huskies tonight.”
Haha, even the (non) humans of UConn have more interesting lives than you! Just kidding, Huskies! Stay warm in these weirdly cold times and as Halloweekend passes, be sure to welcome Christmas way earlier than you’re supposed to (don’t forget Thanksgiving)! Happy Holidaze!
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