Dating apps are like a frat party: if you bring your feelings you’ll leave disappointed. But bring your killer instincts and genuine I don’t give no fucks attitude, and you’ll survive and thrive. But let’s get real, you didn’t choose this single life, the single life chose you. So now you’re picking your best photos (and a picture of your dog) and thinking of a catchy bio that’ll reel in some horny Huskies. When it comes to the UConn market, here are just a few of the people you’ll be matching with, and who we’ve actually matched with, over and over again.
5.) The Straight Shooter:
Simple, yet effective. There’s something refreshing about someone who knows exactly what they want and can paint an image in a girl’s head by using one single sentence. A nice medieval dragon reference never hurt anyone either; it’s better than dragging Jonathan into all this. The straight shooters are the patron saint of dating apps because they play no games. Not feeling it? No problem. Did you think you were the only one he used that line on today? Come on.
4.) The Delayed Straight Shooter:
Ah, yes, a straight shooter in training. Most definitely a freshman with a sudden jolt of confidence after shotgunning a Natty Light in a West Campus bathroom with his roommate and kid who lives down the hall telling him, “It’s okay dude, the RA doesn’t care.” He just got over the fact that you didn’t respond two weeks ago, but he’s a changed man. He puked the first time he saw a nipple, but that’s behind him. Now he’s ready to send a semi-blurry dick pic and hope for the best. Have to appreciate the effort.
3.) The Drug Addict:
Tell us more about how you nearly overdose every night, we’re all dying to know. Admitting you do hard drugs doesn’t sound cool, it just makes the other person think back to middle school D.A.R.E. classes and the peak of their awkward stage. You do you, but I’m pretty sure there’s no Tinder in rehab.
2.) The Deadbeat:
Second-hand embarrassment is a real thing. Where’s the creativity? Not even an, “I need insurance money so hit me with your speeding car on Hillside Road” reference? You don’t have to blow the other person away, but this is half-assed. Unmatch this person as soon as possible. They know your name, age, and what your friend’s boyfriend’s frat basement wall looks like. When this dude puts his phone away and wanders out into the sun, hide your girlfriends, because he WILL steal your bitch and her insurance card.
1.) The Train Wreck:
If you can’t hold it together in the trenches of a dating app, you might want to visit one of those counselors UConn brought in for Ben Shapiro’s speech. Tossing in the fact that you are vegan certainly will not help your chances either. We get it. You eat kale, probably in Whitney dining hall. Just say way less, sometimes even a “hey” works better than this bullshit.
If you’re lucky enough to be one of the senders of these awful messages, just remember that nobody will know it was you unless you say it, so be smart about this. Also, everyone else says thank you for setting the bar so low. They have better chances getting laid just by showing off their photo with Jonathan because aw, they’re a dog person.
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